Flyers Fantasy

I've never written a song before and figure I should write at least one before I die. Which could be at any moment. And I would like to die a song-writer. And as the saying goes, build a million bridges but suck one...or whatever.

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Flyers Fantasy

Words and Lyrics by Sami Kapanen

The Flyers skate around the rink faster than a car
Their skates glow like a glow stiiiiick

Oh yeah, Oh yeah

They're so strong and they can do anything they want
They always get the girls and the guys
to cheeeeeer for them

Do it, do it, don't stop!

The Flyers are gonna score on your goalie
They're gonna put that puck behind him but also in the net, not just in the corner
They're gonna skaaaaaate backwards and forwards
And sometimes they're gonna hockey stop all over your face

Chorus:
Flyers Fantasy when you're sleeping in you bed
Flyers Fantasy running through your head
Flyers Fantasy it's something like a dream
Flyers Fantasy is gonna rape the other team

Oh you want some moooooooore?
(cue kick-ass guitar trio)

The Flyers could eat all the hot dogs at all the concession stands
But they wouldn't want to because then there'd be none left for youuuuu

Oh yeah, Oh yeah

The Flyers are the best dancers at the party
They always get a circle going and take turns
daaaaaancing on the inside

Do it, do it, don't stop!

If you're a defenseman don't even come to the game
The forwards are going to skate around you and then around your friend
The Flyers only go into the offensive zoooooone because they love to backcheck
And they never take an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty

Chorus x 2

This Guy's Team Loses

Oh man they got us both, Habs fans! It looked like the Flyers were going to win, and then it looked like there was no way they cold hold the Canadiens off, and then they did win! I told you to watch out!

I really have no idea how they actually ended up winning. Let's revisit some important keys to winning any sporting contest:

1. Get attempts on the other team's goal while stopping them from getting chances on yours.
I think it's safe to say the Flyers did not accomplish this one. I still can't even believe the shot totals when I see them: 34 to 14? That's the sign of a blowout...or so one would think.

2. Avoid taking penalties/fouls.
The Flyers had 29 PIM to the Canadiens 8. I know I'm kind of cheating by including the 10 minutes that pre-empts the game misconduct, but Hatcher wasn't available for the end of the game so I'm going to count them. Is this John Stevens' pre-game speech?

"Alright guys. Some people say that this team has an incredible power play. Some math wizards from MIT even have their powerplay percentage as the best in the league. But I don't believe that. Those numbers? They can shove them up their butts. Let's go out there and prove them all wrong fellas. Let's give them a powerplay. Then let's give them a full 2 minute 5-on-3. And when we stop them on that we'll give them a full 5 minute powerplay! And then we'll see who's number one! Let's go boys!!"

3. Be sexier than the other team.
By default they accomplished this one, but almost gave it away when Jim Dowd failed to keep his point streak going. Those Kostitsyns man, they look like a funeral director's stillborn with an albino mannequin. They are nasty. Saggy nasty.

4. Shoot at the place where it makes points.
On top of the Flyers astounding 14 shots on goal they had 9 shots off target - roughly 1/3. When the Flyers finally got set up on the gift powerplay they got at the end of the game because of a really stupid penalty by the Canadiens Joffery Lupul took a shot from the side boards that I swear to you, had it not hit the 3 guys standing in the high slot, would have hit the other side boards directly across the ice.

5. Sometimes try to control the ball/puck/frisbee/greased midget
I've been looking online for a website that shows time of puck possession but can't find one. I'd be willing to bet that the Canadiens had the puck 3x's as long as the Flyers did.

Hey guys at Four Habs Fans - is Carey Price kidding? I didn't think a person existed who gave less effort than Mike Green, but it looks like Carey is still definitely in the running for the Eli Manning Shrug of Disappointment Trophy.

Listened to Malajube: Montreal - 40C

Flyers Consider Throwing Series

A lot of Flyers are finding themselves in a difficult situation as they get deeper and deeper into the playoffs. It's no secret that these guys enjoy playing hockey, but they still have families to support and bills to pay. That's why the Flyers met yesterday to discuss the possibility of just cashing in their chips and walking away from the table.

"It's been a great run, but under current economic conditions - specifically the sometimes fickle and currently unsteady U.S. job market - it may not be practical to keep playing hockey and putting off the search for our summer internships" said Flyers forward Jeff Carter. "There are 30 teams in the NHL and 22 of them already have a head start on us. Do we really want to put 4 more teams, and 80 more talented guys, into the pool before we even get a chance to start looking? I don't even have a wife and kids, much less Scottie Upshall who has kids all over North America, and I'm beginning to get a little nervous."

This panic among the NHLers is mostly due to the tight job market, but at least partially due to the once again unorthodox behavior of New York Rangers forward Sean Avery. Flaunting the traditional process of beginning the job search after your team's season is over, Avery has, underhandedly some say, taken an internship at Vogue Magazine. This internship is one of the more coveted positions for an NHL player looking for summer work. You start off answering phones and checking a list when Sinbad arrives at a new club opening, but the potential for growth is far greater than other internships that some players have taken in the past.

"I worked at the God damned magazine for 3 summers in a row...and nothing," said Flyers forward Sami Kapanen. "You would think after 3 summers of doing all their crap work I might get moved up to "Eighteen." But no - nothing. Three summers fetching green teas for those coke whores at "Seventeen."

Antereo Nittymaki didn't fair much better at Bravo.

"Oh man he got Vogue? That son of a bitch. Of course he would. Let me tell you. An NHL season is nothing compared to a summer at Bravo. Those Housewives can be real bitches and rent in New York is ridiculous. Last summer was ok, but the year before I was stuck with 3 NYU kids on Roosevelt Island. Yes, the same island from the song that goes "Roosevelt Island, where quitters go to die." You know there's only one subway to that place? If you think I'm getting in that gondola thing
you're crazier than Don Cherry. And when you go through all of that your reward is to see your name in tiny writing for half a second at the end of each episode. And they didn't even ask me back."

NHL players are usually left with the jobs that college kids don't gobble up during the winter, so they start the game with a depleted supply of options. And then the further you get in the playoffs the more the market dwindles. So it's for good reason that the Flyers are worried.

" I don't want to end up at my lake house all summer missing out on the action," said Flyers center Mike Richards. "Sure relaxing, drinking beer, fishing, and golfing sounds good but the grass is always greener isn't it. About a week of that and you find yourself wondering what the guys who scored those internships are up to. Who they may have seen at Fashion Week. And it eats way at you. It really does."

Watch Out...They'll Get Ya...

Well that is downright absurd!

The Flyers were more or less dominated by the Canadiens for long stretches of the game and somehow still came out of Montreal with the series split 1-1. I can imagine that for Habs fans this is pretty frustrating. When your team gets outplayed and loses they deserve it. When your team makes the other team look like they might be able to medal at the World Pond Hockey Championships, and you still lose, it must be infinitely worse.

So in essence, what I guess I want to say to Montreal fans is…welcome. This is how Philadelphia teams operate. There are two possible outcomes in any game right – win or lose. Philadelphia teams will almost always do one of two things: make their fans think that they are going to win, and then they lose or, I guess if they feel like taking a night off and actually sticking it to the opposition’s fans, then they make it look like they are going to lose all night and then win.

It’s a rarity when they look like that are going to win for a prolonged amount of time and then actually do win – and it usually involve some late-in-the-game close calls, pants shitting, and usually some overtime or extra innings.

I’m not sure what you French Canadians did but it looks like you made them mad. And boy did they get you…you should see your face!

In other news….

- Sidney Crosby needs to shave off his little mustache – millionaire superstars should not wear Mexican line cook style facial hair…even though rappers do seem to be fairly fond of them.
- Jim Dowd is a point scoring machine this series. How many players have a point a game in this critical series? Well, yes…a few. But how many of them are grand parents?
- I love that those cheating pee holes otherwise known as Teemu Selanne and Scott Niedermayer are out of the playoffs. I’m also glad that Forsberg has missed the first two games of the Detroit series with “undisclosed upper body statutory rape issues.”
- Michael Leighton faced 101 shots and saved 98 of them as he earned the loss in Thursday nights’ 5 overtime marathon against the Phantoms.
- Boyd Kane, are you serious? A 5 minute cross-checking major in overtime last night? That’s not really very captain of you, Boyd.
- Pants off to Martin Biron for one heck of a hockey game.

Canadiens Goal Scored By...

Ok, I don’t know what a widget is or does, and if someone could please explain it to me it would be very much appreciated, but on this website you can look at every Flyers jersey that has ever existed. As a matter of fact, I think that you can look at any jersey that’s ever been worn in any sport. And you can widget it too (Did I use that correctly?)

Tonight the Flyers take on the Canadiens in game two of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. A win would be great, a loss would be expected, and a Jim Dowd goal would be phenomenal.

I still don’t have a good read on the Habs but my first impressions lead me to think it will be the Kostitsyns that I hate most by the end. That may be partially due to the fact that there are two of them and I haven’t really taken the time to tell them apart - so it seems like it’s one guy who never leaves the ice - or it may be the Russian thing. There aren’t very many characters on this team so it’s difficult to find someone to hate. Kovalev, Koivu, Higgins, Ryder – don’t mind any of them.

What’s the story with Francis Bouillon? He was born in New York City to a Haitian and a Quebecer. Is he an American?

Let’s Go Flyers!!!

Flyers Lose Game 1

So the Flyers lost last night in overtime. The series is 1-0 Montreal. My question is - Who cares?

Jim Dowd scored one of the dirtiest goals I've ever seen in my life last night. Steve Downie pass, Jim Dowd top cheese crank. I celebrated that goal for 4 hours straight and missed the entire remainder of the game. As a matter of fact, I almost missed work this morning because of that goal.

The Flyers will get another chance to beat the Habs. As a matter of fact, 3 more at least. I'm sure they'll get them at some point.

Jim Dowd scored a goal in the playoffs and it was assisted by the rookie everyone loves to hate. What more could you ask for?

.....

Dudes at Four Habs Fans - please re-evaluate your position on Mike Richard's intent to injure. You came off a bit...how do you say...dramatic.

Bring on the Separatists!

About the Series:

The Flyers could not be in a better position going into this series. I haven't checked any sites for Round 2 predictions but would be very surprised to find anyone who thinks the Flyers can get 2 wins in this series, much less take the whole thing. As the Bruins just proved this is a great position for any competitive team - 1 game at a time - anything can happen. If you lose that's what was supposed to happen anyway.

If making it into the playoffs didn't exceed everyone's expectations then winning in the first round surely did. This Flyers team has nothing left to prove to anyone. From #30 in the league to one of the top 8 in a single season - unbelievable. If the Flyers skate off the ice on Wednesday night for the last time this season it will be to resounding applause from the Orange Crush.

The pressure is off. The boys can loosen up those grips.

About a website:

I was wondering if I should give these guys the satisfaction of even addressing them on my measly, little web log, but part of me can't help it. The part of me that pees in the elevator at work when I'm alone in it.

So, if you want to keep up to date on Flyer bashing during this series take a stroll over to Four Habs Fans.

I don't know where they find the time (or joke calendars) but these guys write on average 47 posts a day. 47 gut-busting posts.

An example of their latest hilarity is their ingenious plan to, get this, take a picture of a girl from the ice team and say that it's the only good thing about the Flyers! Whoa momma! If you didn't just puke on your computer from laughing too hard read on!

Things to look out for from Quebec's version of Kids in the Hall, but only funnier:
- Rip-roaring good times at the expense of Danny Briere
- A lot of bitching. About Flyers who have wronged them, non-calls, etc.
- Clever references to the Rocky Statue
- Non-stop references to the Broad Street Bullies and our 5 suspensions this year
- Something about boobs
- No mention about how Jim Dowd tore it up in 14 games as a Hab
- Riley Cote/Steve Downie/Dave Brown expose
- Cheesteak related humor
- A cool post tied in with references to the hit film Titanic
- A LOT of pictures that make you think "These guys know how to find dirty pictures."

And plenty more!

You already knew that French Canadians are the coolest - but these guys are the coolest of the coolest. So get ready to laugh.

Do You Believe It?!?

Wow that was ugly and amazing. The Philadelphia Flyers are moving on to the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals!

If they handed out wins based on which team played better the Caps surely would have taken last night’s game 7. Unfortunately for the Caps it’s based on goals. And that’s not meant to be taken as snide, it’s just the only thing the Caps didn’t do last night, especially in the third period, was put the puck in the net.

Overall, however, I would say that the Flyers did deserve to win the series. With a little more focus they easily could have won game 1. Game 2 they shut the Caps down offensively and got a shutout. In game three they were just too much to handle offensively for the Caps (probably mostly in part to my presence). In game 7 they had every chance imaginable to end the Flyers season and they just didn’t finish them off. Sprinkle 2 overtime winners on top of that that there you have it.

What a series for the Flyers. Danny Briere led the Entire NHL in points with 11. Vinny Prospal has the 2nd most points of any player moving onto the next round with 9. John Stevens and Martin Biron both got not only their first playoff win but also won their first post-season series. Biron also got his first playoff shutout and is now 2-0 in playoff overtimes. Mike Knuble and Joffery Lupul both got their first playoff overtime winners.

All this during a time of year the Flyers weren’t supposed to be playing.

Things I won’t miss about the Caps Series:
- Alex Ovechkin’s goal celebrations – Jason Arnott should sit him down and give him a talking to
- Mike Green’s fat face, stupid hair, bad attitude, and horrible work ethic
- How the Flyers were kind of underdogs but kind of not
- Analysts talking about Bruce Boudreau like he is Jack Adams himself
- Seeing Ted Leonsis in his fart laden cords and Caps jersey
- Having to see faux-fans wearing red and cheering at the wrong time during games

Good riddance to the Red Army.

Ps – did anyone see John Stevens jumping up and down on the bench?

Our First Possible Last

We're in a shiny new black Cadillac driving over a long and gently sloping bridge whose dotted yellow lines are actually strobe lights...

Matt Herneisen is running across a circle as the car idles. He's yelling something about money and iced tea. . .

We're in a casino, but it's run down and looks more like the back of an arcade where they keep all the dead games. All the games are the kind you would find in a couples' sex game purchased at Barnes and Noble - win a tickle here, a massage there....

A giant black lady, who had been on the subway during the conscious part of my day, sits alone at a table that has a big spinning wheel behind it...

I'm in my Aunt's house and we're getting ready to tee off at the first hole in the living room. My mom's whole family is there and everyone is nay-saying the Flyers. We manage to work our way up the stairs with a seemingly endless series of chip shots. My dad slices a ball into the upstairs kitchen. People are really riding the Flyers - from the sound of it they must be losing by about 10 goals. I decide I've had enough golfing and go to watch the game. To my surprise it's 3-3, so I take a seat in front of the tv...

Within a few seconds of me sitting down Jim Dowd gets a pass in the neutral zone and manages to get a slapshot off just before he gets hit by two Capitals. I don't know how, but it actually goes of Huet's glove and into the net as they both fall separately. Faster than he's moved since his last goal Dowd is on one skate, the other raised along with his hands in celebration, gliding past the bench high fiving his teammates. He's wearing the smile of a 16 year old who just got his license...

The Caps pull their goalie with over five minutes left, now 3. The Flyers are pressing for that 5th goal and miss plenty of times. They are rabid...

The wondering has turned to waiting. The Flyers are pressing so hard that it's now just a matter of time until they score. And with 4 guys below the goal line trying to fish out the puck Randy Jones breaks from the point. As if it were planned, the puck meets Jones as he arrives at the strong side post and he puts it away...

It's over. Flyers win.

Great Timing Corporate Boners

Versus:

After 1,230 regular season games, 1 all-star game, and 44 playoff games you choose the Flyers vs. Capitals game six to be the first unavailable hockey game of the entire year? So I'm sitting here with 14 different kinds of dip, 5 kinds of chips, 3 platefuls of jalapeno poppers, and 1 mozzerlla stick with 43 guests at my apartment and I can't put the game on. This is how you're gonna be?

I would love to be in the meeting where you got 5 assholes in business casual sitting around a table drinking fucking Flavia and decided to play the Bruins and Canadiens tonight.

"Well Jim, it is game 7...and everyone knows how rockin' and rollin' those games can be. A Coo Coo Ca Joo!"

Never mind that fact that in Montreal, as well as the rest of Canada, there's no such thing as Versus. Never mind that in Boston, which is the only place someone could possibly want to watch the Bruins, the game was on NESN and they were showing Mixed Martial Arts on Versus. Never mind that New York is an hour from Philadelphia and by far the largest television market in the United States.

Never mind you stainless steel dockers wearing, prematurely balding, mustache having dickheads work for Comcast who owns the Flyers.

You sons of bitches.

Center Ice:

You lying pieces of circus clown shit. When I bought your little hockey package, which you tried to charge me twice for by the way, you held me in your arms and told me that I would never have to miss a hockey game ever again. You told me that, and when I asked you if you were telling the truth you reassured me. Well I hope you had a good laugh.

Do the geniuses that work for you know that a channel called Versus exists? Could you possibly coordinate with them what games will be shown on what night? Would that be too much to ask? I know your days must be jam packed with playing ripping guitar solos to put as background music to your stupid-ass schedules but if you could just even get an intern to call up Versus and say "What game are you playing tonight?" that would be pretty helpful.

I could understand dropping the ball if there were 8 games on, but there were 2. You know what? I couldn't understand if there were 8 games on. It literally would take one person 2 hours to decide which channel to show all the games for a whole month. I want my money back.

You all want to know what happened tonight? So you can have a good laugh? I found out the Flyers were going to lose from Beth Gallagher. A lovely lady, but a Capitals fan nonetheless.

So laugh it up - you ruined my life. Mission accomplished, world.

Money, Money, Money, Money.....Monaaaay!!!

Much to the chagrin, I’m sure, of Professors Mansuri, Franko, Barbezat, and especially Reid, I happen to spend my days working in corporate finance. And it’s because of this that I sometimes find myself thinking in terms of rows and columns when I otherwise should not be. So when the Flyers lost yesterday part of me couldn’t help but wonder if the people whose pockets are lined by the dollars made at The Wachovia Center weren’t a tiny bit pleased to have another game in Philadelphia.

I understand that the Flyers winning yesterday would have ensured that at least 2 more playoff games would be held at The Wach this spring, but the most profitable situation for those aforementioned people would be to win tomorrow night in Philly – the best of both worlds.

As best I can tell the average ticket price for a Flyers playoff game is about $130. If you take that alone multiplied by the 20,000 fans that will be in attendance tomorrow night the Flyers are going to be pulling in $2.6 million in ticket sales alone. An extremely conservative estimate would be to say that all the direct and indirect expenses (employees and overhead basically) would be cancelled out by concessions and luxury boxes, so I’d be willing to say that a $2.6 M revenue figure is more or less all profit.

This NOI of $2.6M might not seem like a lot to a company like Comcast, who provides cable to 24 million viewers, internet to 13 million customers, phone services to 4 million, owns various cable channels including E!, Versus, and the Style Network, owns the Sixers, Flyers and the buildings they play in, and cleared $2.6 billion in 2007 - but every little bit helps. An extra $2.6 million sprinkled on top of their profits enables Comcast to hire 26 relatively high-level, skilled employees at no cost. Employees that will work day and night and weekends, if necessary, to help Comcast figure out how to make more money in 2008 and the future.

Or if you’d like to think about it differently, tomorrow night’s earnings will be roughly enough to pay Mike Richards’, Jeff Carter’s and R.J. Umberger’s salaries for the entire 07-08 season. That’s why having a successful team is so important – the answer to 99 out of 100 questions – money.

Flyers Don't Really Show Up - Lose Game and Knuble

I’m not really worried about this loss in and of itself, more so if the Flyers are/were thinking “we just have to win one of the next three and we’re in.” It’s an extremely dangerous thought, and also one that is difficult to push out of your mind. I don’t know where but I recently heard an interview where a player said something to that extent after being eliminated in game 7 – “We just had to win one of the last three, and we didn’t do it.”. Every game has to be looked at individually, but I’m sure that’s something professional athletes are aware of…

As far as I’m concerned Thursday night was a gift. So we’re basically in the position we would have been in if OV hadn’t missed that open net Thursday and we had won today. We’re still in the driver’s seat, and that’s all that matters.

Losing Knuble for the rest of the series is a pretty significant blow. Not as bad as losing the orange hot Danny Briere, but Knuble has been a key part of our most effective line over the past two games. I haven’t read anything but I would think you have to dress Downie instead of Cote. I don’t mean this as a shot at Cote, but the 4th line is simply much more effective without him. They’re what a 4th line is supposed to be – reliable on defense and tenacious on the forecheck. Cote, although positionally very responsible is a sort of a liability – he’s just not as skilled a player as Thoresen or Kapanen, or Downie for that matter. There are all sort of possible line combinations that could come out of this, but I suppose we’ll see what John Stevens and his crew think the best move is on Monday.

Flyers Surprise Me - Win in Double OT

Wow….I can’t believe the Flyers won. Like a good fan I was resigned to a Flyers loss halfway through the third, but then Danny Briere went and tied it up. And then I figured they had done enough just getting to overtime and Mike Knuble goes and wins it! That was, how do you say, “where campers have sex”…in tents.

You gotta love it when a good guy like Knuble gets the OT winner. It’d be like…I was just looking at the Capitals roster to try and find a player that wouldn’t make me puke if he scored in double overtime, but they’re all either dirty Russians or punks. Poti is the only American on the team and he gives USA hockey a bad name with this weak play, ugly skating style, and dropping out of school attitude. Regardless, you can’t cheer against Mike Knuble even if he does score against your team in double OT, he’s just too likable.

Which, more or less, brings me to my point – is the amount of celebrations that involve jumping off the glass after scoring a goal increasing, or is it my imagination? I know I’m heavily influenced by what I see, but didn’t really know the extent until I found myself jumping off a wall after Knuble ended the game. Maybe it’s just a trend, maybe it’s going to stick around, who knows. All I know is that if I get some good news at work I hope I don’t jump through the window celebrating. Because 36 stories is a long way to fall.

Mike Wise, Your Tears Taste Like Crystal Light and I Want More

There's no way this article was printed in the Washington Post. This is surely some farce by a very creative, and technologically sophisticated, Flyers fan.

On the off chance that this is a real article, written by a real reporter for the Post, his point is totally lost on me. Is he trying to get Flyers fans to be louder? Trying to make the Flyers push the Caps around even more?

Was he actually petitioning Gary Bettman to somehow make the Flyers lay off?

This guy must have an application in at the Inquirer (or maybe the Onion). Flyers fans have never been so flattered.

A good sign of a quality journalist: Looking out for the kids' interest by condemning the amount of fights (I know - I can't believe it either...fights in hockey, who knew?) being shown on the big screen and in the next breath taking a pot shot at children by saying many of them resemble Megadeth security...whatever that means. Does Megadeth security dress differently than other security? Is it a bigger insult than say, being called DJ Jazzy Jeff's security?

Still can't get over it....

I don't know what's been wrong with me these past couple days. I'm all emotional about going to a Flyers game, I'm fighting back tears on the subway while reading The Kite Runner, I actually put money in a homeless guy's cup instead of slapping it out of his hand and peeing in his face like I usually do....hopefully things get back to normal relatively soon.

Anyway...last night we sat in the 100's, which I guess is the slightly upper-middle class of seating....if you look at the Wachovia Center as an upside down socioeconomic funnel, which apparently I do. Upon reaching our seats, the first thing I noticed was a family sitting directly behind us. Now I don't tend to curse much outside of conversation, and even get embarrassed a little if someone around me curses loud enough for others to hear, so when I saw these two little kids sitting behind me I was even more conscious of keeping my yelled remarks slightly witty and definitely above a 7 year old's head - telling OV "that's not how Stalin shoots", remarking about how the Caps fan's girlfriend looks like Bruce Boudreau - plenty of things that don't make sense but have your section laughing for no reason.

When I made the mistake of getting a Rangers season ticket package my first year in New York I saw plenty of families leave a game early with their children's heads already full of a plethora of new curses and insults. I would never want to be on either end of that situation.

When the puck dropped you should've heard the things that came out of these parent's mouths. Now don't get me wrong, they seemed like nice people and we shared many a high-five, but I really don't know what they were thinking. During the game they managed to use each of the big seven curse words, multiple references were made to sexual activities that the Caps may or may not perform on eachother, and, according to them, the refs were all homosexuals(which is apparently a bad thing to be). It was unbelievable.

And every goal must have been like going to amusement park for these kids. I swear once I turned around for a high five and this woman had her youngest twirling around over her head like a human towel.

This behavior was by no means limited to just them. To the left, to the right, down in front people were going absolutely insane - like people with terets possessed by the devil.

I've never been that kind of fan, and to tell you the truth, I don't understand how anyone is. Sports are a great form of escapism, but some people don't seem satisfied unless they cheer so hard, and in such an abrasive manner, that they have a minor stroke. My advice to fans in general, not just the people around me at the game, would be to stick to hooting, yipping, and clapping.

Leave the "Fuck You Pussies" to the Rangers fans.

Highly Recommended

You can go to a hockey game.

You can meet up in friends.

Doing both at the same time would make for an incredible night, right?

But what if the game, in and of itself, was an incredible game? I'm talking random high-fives, a tangible energy, and a much desired result.

And seeing the friends, in and of itself, was incredible? I'm talking the combination of great people and too much time since you've seen them. And no Jim, which makes everything better.

I know it sounds lame an corny, but that'd be something to remember....

So thank you Nadine, Kristin, Eric, John, Marisa, Marisa's chortling friend, Fran, Ryan, Lee, Scottie, Danny, Mike, Mike, Marty, Larry, Sami, Scott, and all the crazy people in orange shirts for making last night totally worth it and really out of this world.

You should Listen To: Lost and Found by Phoenix.

K.I.T. over the summer....6th grade is going to be a blast!!

Playoffs?!?!?!

This is why I like Pelle Eklund so much :

- From a Sports Illustrated Article titled "The Shooter and the Stopper" published in May of 1987 by Austin Murphy

Pelle Eklund, a 24-year-old second-year center from Stockholm, had a dream weekend in Canada. He scored five goals—two in a 4-3 comeback win in Game 3 on Friday night and three in Sunday's rout. A thoroughly reserved sort, Eklund also set some kind of record for the least amount of exulting after a playoff hat trick. "Don't worry," said the terminally poker-faced Swede, "inside of me, I'm excited."

- Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals, the one where Keith Primeau scores in overtime number five, opens with a profile of rookie Michael Rosival, who is playing in his second playoff game of his career. In game 3 Flyers rookie defenseman Andy Delmore had 2 goals including the overtime winner. Delmore now hosts a show on the Food Network called "You Make It, I'll Dunk It" where he dunks assorted foods into assorted drinks.

- Holding was introduced as a penalty in 1992.

- Coaches Corner is the highest rated 5 minute television program in Canada. I highly suggest watching it or looking it up on youtube - love him or hate him, Don Cherry is entertaining.

- Abington, PA product Chad Kolarik signed an entry level contract with the Phoenix Coyotes yesterday.

- After three years, 105 games, and only 16 points at Western Michigan University Matt Clackson is making some noise with the Phantoms with 19 PIM in his first 2 games. 5 of those minutes were earned losing a fight to a guy who didn't drop one of his gloves do to a broken left hand.

- Former Flyers defenseman Kevin Haller, probably best known for his overtime winner against the Rangers in the Spring of 1995, should have been best known for having two wieners and one ball.

- This day in 1974 Dave Shultz scored an overtime winner against the Atlanta Flames. Later that night, after a handle of Old Grand Dad, he stole the team bus and drove it over 6 cars in the hotel parking lot - a full year before Bob Chandler began building Big Foot in St. Louis.

It Just Keeps Getting Better and Better....

First the Flyers start the season off 6-1-0. Next they flirt with first place in the Eastern Conference. Then they overcome a 10 game losing streak to finish not eighth, but sixth in the Conference. This is all after a league and franchise low of 56 points last year.

Just when I think it can't get any better Alex Ovechkin doesn't score 52 goals and we actually outplay the Caps for a lot of game one during a time of the year many "in the know" thought would be spent on the links. After that we come out and actually shut the Caps out in "the craziest bat fucking barn in the history of the NHL."

What a season. Anything we do in the playoffs is a bonus and now we stole a game in Washington. As far as I'm concerned, and a lot of people I'm sure, the Flyers have nothing left to lose....which can feel pretty good.....and be pretty dangerous.

Listened to: Jack Johnson - If I Had Eyes

Balls. Or maybe ball.

I couldn't believe it when the Flyers turned a 2-1 deficit into a 4-2 lead in the blink of an eye. I could believe it when the Caps reversed that lead in one period. Does that make me a true Philly fan? I don't know ,but if that doesn't, this does. Between the second and third period the only thing I really had to say about the game was "Enjoy this feeling now because it can only get worse."

If the Flyers had scored another goal, basically icing the game, I still wouldn't have been as excited as I was during the 2nd period. If the Caps managed to get one goal the avalanche would begin...

The good thing about the playoffs, as opposed to the regular season, is that not every game matters. If you lose a game in the regular season you could be losing ground in the points race to 29 other teams. In the playoffs there is only one opponent. And there are some games you're just not supposed to win. If the Flyers can get just one game in Washington they will have accomplished their goal over the weekend.

Sidenote: Mike Green is the laziest player in the NHL. He also has (faux-hawk aside) the worse style on the ice. I never thought I'd say this about anyone, but he looks worse than Jim Dowd. Kind of like a marionette. No....exactly like a marionette.

Your Typical Caps Fan: Matt Gallagher

This guy loves ham and cheese sandwiches.

And pretzels.

He hates when people don't order chicken sandwiches at Reservoir on University Place.

Everything in Matt Gallagher's world is black and white - he tends to have real trouble understanding how someone could stray from "the path." Which is ironic.

Matt Gallagher spent his childhood in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania - just 1:30 outside of Philadelphia. Matt began playing for the Junior Flyers at the age of 10, where he enjoyed great success as one of the clubs top 2 defenseman for 2 years. At 13, Matt moved on to play Bantam hockey for the Hershey Bears (Hershey at that time was the Flyers farm team) where he helped the club earn a birth in the National Tournament. After which he came back to play in the Philadelphia area as a member of the Valley Forge Colonials.

You would think, after basically growing up in the Philadelphia hockey circuit, Matt would show some allegiance to the Flyers. Matt represented the actual NHL club twice in international tournaments, has received letters from Bobby Clarke, and is former teammates with RJ Umberger.

But no. If Matt were offered free tickets to both a Flyers game and a Caps game on the same night he would rather drive the 2+ hours it takes to get to Washington, DC to watch those glorified postmen play.

For a guy who sees things so clearly he tends to bend the rules when it comes to rooting for an NHL team. Bad luck to you and your Capitals, Matty. Very bad luck.

NHL Fact: 93% of Washington Capitals fans are Asian.

Playoff Lottery

It's a very exciting day here at Flyers Goal Scored By....as we are having our staff chose our winners for not only the first round, but the entire Stanley Cup Playoffs. Inside a very complex iso-chamber (also known as a hat) there are a number of balls (pieces of paper) with each possible outcome to each series printed on the ball, i.e. Senators in 4, Sharks in 7, etc. Once the outcome of a series is drawn all following picks for that series will be disregarded. So here we go, leaving it up to fate and sexiness, here are our predictions for how this year's playoffs are going to play out:



I swear to god that this post is being done in sequential order. I wrote the opening before the "lottery", and am now writing this.

Now, you can chose to believe this or not, but I also swear that every outcome had an equal chance of being chosen at every round. Do I really think this is going to happen? No. But these are the results of the random drawing - take them or leave them.

Only time will tell how close (or far) they actually are to what happens.

Let's go Flyers.

Flyers - Caps Flashback

The year is 1988. The series is Flyers - Caps. The game is game 4. The time is the beginning of the third period.

The Flyers are in danger of losing the swing game of the series. If the Caps hold onto the lead they've built for just one more period the series will be tied 2-2.

55 seconds into the period Mike Gartner scores to make the game 3-1. Just the way the Flyers wanted to start the period.

2:09 later - Goal by Dale Hunter. The agitator that the Caps traded a 1st Round Draft Pick for, which would later become Joe Sakic, has done exactly what he was expected to do. You see, in 8 seasons in the Patrick Division the Caps have never made it out of the divisional playoffs. A player like Dale Hunter is exactly what the Caps need to get through the rough and tumble Patrick Division. His 3 goals and 32 penalty minutes so far in the series are a testament to that.

It appears as if Murphy's Law has taken effect for the Flyers. That is until Mark Howe shoots a wrister into the back of the net with a little over 9 minutes to go. When, with 4:52 to go, Brian Propp gets his third of the season, it feels like the tides are changing, even though you're telling yourself not to believe it. When big Kjell Samuelson pokes a goal in with 53 seconds to go you can't believe it.

Somehow the game that was lost is now 4-4. We're going to overtime.

When momentum like this has built it's almost impossible to stop. 1:18 into overtime, after a scramble in the corner, Murray Craven finds himself with the puck and makes no mistake with it. The Flyers have come back from a 3 goal deficit with 10 minutes left in the third to win in overtime. It's unbelievable.

What's more unbelievable is the article that is written after the game for Sports Illustrated. Here are a couple of my favorite excerpts:

Each spring the cherry trees burst into blossom, and each spring the Caps fold.

The Caps don't get breaks. No, the Caps break hearts.

Afterward, Hunter surveyed the Caps' 3-1 hole rather optimistically. "It's been done before," he said of the task ahead. He was right—overcoming such a deficit in the playoffs has been done. But never by the Capitals.

What's most unbelievable is that the Caps did it. They came back from a 3-1 deficit to win the series - winning game 7 in overtime no less. Winning goal scored by yours truly, Dale Hunter.

This should be a lesson to all you casual hockey fans poking around Versus like Easter Catholics - anything can happen....and it will.

Listened to: The Kooks - Love it All

ps - When was the last time you heard a professional athlete with a quote like this?

Meanwhile the surly, muscular Tocchet, out of the lineup while recovering from a shoulder separation, got very antsy as he watched the Caps strafe the Flyers. "There are about 10 guys on that team I feel like killing," said Tocchet as the series headed to Philadelphia. "Live by the sword, die by the sword. If Hunter doesn't watch the way he uses his stick, he's gonna get hurt."

Carrying the Load

On my walk home from the orphanage tonight, I found myself thinking back on the season. As my mind wandered, which it tends to do from time to time, I began to focus in on the point race within the team. I was pretty sure that Mike Richards had finished as the Flyers leading scorer, with Danny Briere second, and either Vinny Prospal or Mike Knuble third - depending on how you look at these things.

After some research in the lab I found that I was right, and Mike Richards had finished the Flyers season of 82 games with 75 points in the 73 games he took part in. Although those numbers hardly leave the impression that a 100 point season would, 75 is a lot of points for one person to get. Consider this:

The Flyers had 248 goals this year. Mike Richards had something to do with over 30% of them. On any given night there are 20 skaters dressed, which makes him 5% of the team. So points-wise, Mike Richards was carrying the load of six players. Pretty impressive for one guy…

The Flyers averaged 3 goals a game this season and Mike Richards average over a point a game. That’s a pretty good deal.

Now I can’t say whether I started to think of him because my mind jumped to the highest scorer in the league, or because I’m piss scared he’s going to score 11 goals in the series, but I began to wonder what Ovechkin’s numbers looked like.

OV had 112 points on a Washington club that had 242 goals this season – that’s 46% of his team’s production. My first reaction was “holy shit.” But then I began to wonder if that wasn’t an advantage – could, by focusing almost entirely on OV, the Flyers reduce the Caps output by 10 ½ goals over a 7 game series? Would this leave other guys open? Who knows… I do know, however, that if for one series, just one series, the Flyers are conscious of him and where he is at all times, they have a much better chance of beating the Caps.

Digression: In 1985-86 the Edmonton Oilers scored 426 goals in the regular season. Wayne Gretzky had an NHL record 215 points – over 50% of Oiler goals that season touched his stick. That year the Oil lost in their first 7 game round to the Calgary Flames in game 7.

Some Post-season Randomness

It's balls to the wall here in the almost-Insurance world, so here are some weird things to read and look at, if you're in the mood:

Strange Dissapperance of Duncan MacPherson

The Swift Current Bus Crash

He's Called Rod the Bod for a Reason...

Dan Kordic's Brother, John

Jordin Tootoo's brother, Terence

That's a lot of points

ps - that picture above is titled "Jesus Saves."

185 Days Later

And....scene.

The Flyers finished the regular season today with a 2-0 win over the Pens. This left them with a final record of 42-29-11 and 95 points on the season - you know, just 70% more points than last year. No big deal.

They managed to pass over both the Bruins and Senators today to grab 6th place in the Conference - a feat that seemed nearly impossible when we were riding out a 10 game losing streak in February.

So now, the regular season, like a rapist in a mall parking lot, is behind us. There is a new season upon us....and it's called the Stanley Cup Playoffs!

The Flyers are in the Playoffs!!

After checking and rechecking every site on the internet that might mention anything about the Philadelphia Flyers or the NHL I can confirm for you that the Flyers are in the 2007-08 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. There's still some shuffling to be done in regards to who we'll be playing, but I can tell you this - we'll be playing someone.

Remember that 10 game losing streak? losing our top goal scorer for the season? that home and home with the Maple Leafs? the media and fans debating whether or not John Stevens should finish out the year?

Remember finishing with 56 points last year....11 points lower than the 2nd worst team?

Remember being down 3-0 in the first period against the Sabres, having just lost Mike Richards for 3 weeks, and Jeff Carter buried that breakaway? The Flyers have gone 11-4-4 since that game. Not bad fellas. Not bad at all.

Obviously this isn't the real, final goal of any NHL team - but I do think John Stevens, the players, and especially Paul Holmgren should be applauded. After what will surely prove to be a blip on the radar screen the playoff hockey is back in Philadelphia.

Apparently Philadelphia has a basketball team too? Who knew?

Flyers Must Win

I've done a lot of typing about the Flyers over the past 7 months. I've had some humorous (I hope) posts, some serious, some that got lost in numbers, and some that were pretty technical. It's funny. You have a lot of thoughts that are new and novel to you, and then you stumble upon them in some composition like Thoreau's Life Without Principle, or any other old essay, and you realize that people have been thinking the same things for centuries - just in different contexts.

One of my dorm parents in high school (another piece of my sexual identity revealed!) once asked a table full of us if we thought anyone has ever had an original thought. My response at the time was pretty naive - but I was 17, it was summer, and I was drinking my first Anchor Steam...so suffice it to say I wasn't really at my intellectual peak. But I think about it sometimes. I do believe we're all connected in some way. Call it God, call it Earth, call it Time...call it what you will. Everyone's going through this human experience, and that's gotta count for something.

I'm only me, and I can hardly get my thoughts together, but sometimes you just read something and realize it is exactly what you were thinking all along. This is one such case. So for the first time ever I'm leaving my post to someone else:

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance
Don't worry about nothing cause it won't take long
We're gonna put you in a trance with the funky song
Cause you gotta be...

Hangin' tough
Singing tough
Singing tough
Are you tough enough?

Hangin' tough
Singing tough
Singing tough
We're rough

Oh Oh Oh Oh x2

Everybody's always talking about who's on top
Don't cross our paths cause you're gonna get stopped
We ain't gonna give anybody any slack
And if you try to keep us up we're gonna come right back
And you know it...

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh x4

(Music Break)

Get loose everybody cause we're gonna do our thing
Cause you know it ain't over till the fat lady sings
Check it out...

(Music Break)

Let's Go Flyers.

Flyers Down 3 Games to 2

I reality, in Flyerdom, not much has changed since yesterday. True we gave up the game at hand that we had on most teams in the conference, but we're still in 8th place, we're still a point ahead of the Caps, and we still have to win 2 out of our last 3 games against the Penguins and Devils - it's just now we know which two. The Flyers are still in the 8th place - look at the standings if you don't believe me - which means that they control their own destiny. It's true they're not getting any help from any team in the conference, but when it comes down to it, if the goal is to make the playoffs, they don't need any. If it sounds like a difficult task to win both of their next games against playoff bound teams imagine this - in the playoffs you have to win 4 out of 7 games 4 times in a row to win the Stanley Cup! Crazy right?!? So, the bottom line doesn't change: 2 wins and you're in.

Now, to the specific events of last night's game....

Last night the Penguins fought a Mayfair fight. People recount Ali's rope-a-dope as if he was actually the one in the lab learning how to cage electricity while Edison sat in the living room getting drunk and peeing into the fireplace just to see what it smelled like. We've all seen countless examples of this: it's hard to directly combat someone/thing that is determined, energetic, ornery - so you wait, you side step, you let the beast take care of most of what you couldn't handle itself. And then you finish it off when it calms down. I, myself, have never been a fan of this tactic. I will always root for the hunter.

The Penguins knew they were going to make it to the playoffs when they took the ice for warm-ups. They also knew that any team in the Flyers situation would come at them hard. So they played on that.

- take an extra crack at the goalie, which is never going to get called with the proper salesmanship, and then when someone touches you go down like JFK - even going as far as to look in your hand to see if maybe some of your head did fall off.
- cover the puck intentionally. When a Flyer digs under you for it, which happens 20 times a night, get up and push (double punch) his face, and then be too chicken shit to drop the gloves. A great example of how Ben Eager is trying to make a living - you should get together with him and write a manual.
- when someone comes to hit you give them a non-discrete butt-end in the face. It's sure to pay-off down the road.
- stick your tongue out and guys? Make sure to pay Sean Avery Consulting, LLC. for the dive you take afterwards. Also make sure to go knee-on-knee with the same player later in the game.

The ends justify the means I suppose.

So now it's post-game interview time, and I honestly haven't read any of them, but when you win their are no complaints. Ruutu just plays hard, Orpik is doing his job, and Crosby's face did get detached from his scull so there needed to be a penalty that created a 2 minute 5 on 3, to send a message to Scott Hartnell so he'd understand - No one touches Sidney Crosby.
......
Why is that if you have a legitimate complaint about something, anything - it doesn't have to be hockey related, and one person says "quit yer whining" they automatically win the argument/discussion? I suppose it has something to do with the fact that they have already benefited from that which you dispute so it's easy for them to apply their generalist argument and continue to enjoy the rewards of something you think was possibly unfair. So you, yourself, are just supposed to swallow it - chalk it up to life.

If you'll reread every single one of my 182 Pulitzer Prize nominated posts this year you'll see that I have not mentioned officiating once. I tend to be of the school of thought that officiating can affect a game only so much, and that so much is pretty minimal, but the outcome depends on the players. RJ Umberger's bloody high stick, Scott Hartnell's cheap shot to the nose, and the Flyers receiving the only after-the-whistle penalty on an already delayed call - 10 minutes of poor officiating on three incidents.

The Flyers had 7 powerplays last night and converted on one of them. The Penguins went 4 for 6. When did the refs calls become dependent on keeping the number of powerplays each team has even and not on whether or not there is an infraction of the rules?

Fuck it - 2 games left.

Riley and the Penguin

Riley Cote's last fight was 17 days ago. Cote fought Ryan Malone in a non-planned bout in which Malone was more interested in the symbolism of the glove drop than actually punching Riley Cote. He lost handily. That was Cote's only fight of the game for one reason in particular - Georges Laraque was serving a suspension.

The Penguins have a handful of guys who can fight: Laraque, Ruutu, Malone, Gill. They also have a bunch of guys who will go every once in a while: Kennedy, Letang, Orpik, Sydor.

Partially due to the time of the season and the importance of the game, partially due to a 7-1 route of the Flyers by the Penguins last game, and partially due to the fact that the Flyers heavyweight took on someone who was not the Penguins heavyweight (although Malone is bigger than Cote) I think Riles and Big Georges will have a go within the first 10 minutes of the game tonight.

This fight is more or less a no win situation for Laraque. Whether or not Laraque is the heavyweight champion of the league is debatable - that he is in the top 3 is not. Riley, although in a three-way tie for the 2nd most fights this year in the league, is not quite in that weight class - as proved by George Parros. Someone like Laraque only has 12 fights because he doesn't even need to fight most of the time - he just needs to be on the bench. If Cote can gets a draw it's a win for him. If he beats Laraque the Flyers will be so pumped they'll be sniping wristers top shelf from their own blueline.

Good luck to Riley.

What I really would like to see is a Scott Hartnell, RJ Umberger, Danny Briere, Mike Knuble or a Mike Richards fight.

Fights are a good indicator of passion. And the Flyers have to play with heart to win tonight.

Bloc Party - Pioneers

Day 181 - The Southeast

One of the many, many benefits of playing in the weakest (408 points) divisions in the NHL is that while other teams scrambling to clinch a playoff spot are playing real contenders (except the Rangers), you have the luxury of playing both Florida teams - who more than likely have spent more time on the golf course this week than in the rink.

With Carolina being unable to seal the deal tonight, they are locked with the Caps at 90 points. They still hold the first place spot as they have more wins than the Caps, but it should be interesting to see how each of these teams treats the beautiful state of Florida these next few days - and in turn, how this effects the Flyguys.

Any combination of 4 points in these last 3 games will secure a playoff spot. This would give them 95 points which is higher than the 2nd place team in the Southeast can reach even with 2 wins. 95 points is also well above Buffalo's maximum possible amount of points of 92( which would involve striping at least one point from the Bruins). 3 points, however, isn't such a sure thing, because both of the Southeast teams already have more wins than the Flyers, which is the first tie-breaker (assuming they both win out). With Ottawa only having 1 point more than and the Bruins and Flyers, with only 2 games left, and one of those games in against the Bruins, who knows where everything will end up. Can you imagine if the Senators missed the playoffs? That would be a colossal collapse on par with the Mets debacle last spring.

I'm sure John Stevens is impressing on the Flyers that it may be fun to watch what's going on in the standings, but it has nothing to do with their own upcoming games. Basically comes down to this: two wins and you're in.

Listened to: Coheed and Cambria - Running Free