World Chamiponships...Eh, Kind Of

I've never really been sure what the point of the World Championships is. Actually, if the point is to get a couple NHLers from teams that didn't make the playoffs and guys who aren't good enough to play in the NHL to represent each country, then I understand the point completely. I'm just not that interested in it. The fact that there is basically no coverage here in the US doesn't help.

I was a huge fan of the 1996 World Cup and hope to see a return to that type of international competition. Even with the Olympics there's just too much going on. I don't need the one time every four years that I cheer with my hands above my head for speed skating to be interrupted by hockey. Plus, it's the middle of the NHL season. In the summer of 1996 the absolute best players in the world from each country faced off against each other to determine which country owned ice hockey. We obviously already knew the answer, but that tournament helped to prove it (fuck you Canada!). Right now in Switzerland you have guys like Lasse Kukkonen representing the Finns. We love Kukky, but you can't try to convince me that when the Finns beat the Russians, which they did yesterday, that it really matters. That it represents anything real. So what's the point in watching? If you win that's great, but it's hard to claim that your country is World Champions when they beat a Canadian team with a guy who played in the KHL this past year.

That being said, there are a couple other "Flyers contacts" that are still playing hockey this spring.

Scottie Upshall - your probably heard recently that Scottie continues to spread the Broad Street way across the globe by getting suspended for a hit to the head two days ago.
Sami Kapanen - After a very successful season with KalPa of the FEL Sami is back on the international scene. He has 2 assists in his first 3 games of the tournament.
Lasse Kukkonen - Kukky was a little late for the tournament after Phantoms very abbreviated playoff run. So far he's maintaing the status quo, with no points in his 2 games.
Janne Niinimaa - Janne is third in the tournament in PIM!Upshall is 2nd! Let's Go Flyers!
Andreas Nodl - Like Kukky, Nodl missed some time due to the AHL playoffs. Do you think they got hammered on the plane over? Nodl did show up just in time to get in that sweet picture of the Latvians only goal in a 1-0 win over the Austrians.

I'm surprised that, the tournament being in Switzerland, Luca Sbisa isn't representing his home nation. The only NHLer they have is Mark Streit, which has been enough to get them by France 1-0, beat Germany in OT 3-2, and then lose to the Malkin and Ovechkin-less Russians.

According to Puck the Media Universal Sports is going to cover the WC staring may sixth with the quarter-finals. Good luck finding it!

A Present for the Caps

Dear Washington,

Call me petty, but I would thoroughly enjoy it if you would be so kind as to end the Pittsburgh Penguins season for me. I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on everything, but it's a win-win for both of us. You get to head to the Conference Finals and I get to hear all the "at least we beat you" taunts, which I'm not sure are worth very much. So here are some lessons that us Philly fans and the Flyers had to learn the hard way over the last couple weeks.


1. Keep and eye on Jordan Staal. In the sense that he will creep up on you and grab your stick in an attempt to draw a penalty. I knew that "underage drinking" arrest was bullshit. He's been practicing stealing sticks for years. But much like Freddy Kruger, he'll make it look like you did it.

2. DO NOT FIGHT MAXIME TALBOT. Game changer. Series over. It's like, it's like....it's like your player is a big, giant volcano, right. And Maxime Talbot is going to sacrifice himself for the good of the team by jumping into your volcano player. When the Penguins see that sacrifice it ends the series within 30 seconds. You might think it's fun to beat up on some lost footballer, but it will end the series, even if it's Game 2.

3. If Tyler Kennedy plays it will be a miracle. I read on CNN that the more you look like a pig the more likely you are to catch the swine flu. If that's true Tyler Kennedy will be dead by the time this post hits the internet, because he's one chromosome short of being the pig version of a Minotaur. If that's not true just install some troughs in the hallways of the Verizon Center. Pigs are always hungry. There's no way he'll be able to resists all the slop he can get his hoofs on.

4. When Chris Kunitz and his stretched-out face are on the ice get all of your players off of it. Kunitz is the toughest guy to play in the NHL since Matt Cooke. It's just not worth your whole teaming ending up dead as a result of his bad-ass hockey stylings. When the summer comes trade anything you can to get Kunitz on your team and then win the Cup next year.

5. No need to cover Petr Sykora or Miroslav Satan - whichever one of those Dutch pussies is dressing is inconsequential as they are both apparently out of goals.

6. Don't argue with Bill Guerin. I know you have fond memories from his days scoring goals for Team USA in the World Cup of Hockey, but times have changed. It's been 45 years and he's a Pittsburgh man now, and what he says goes. If he wants to fight a guy that has 5 NHL fights compared to his 92 with 7 seconds left in the game that's not message sending! That's Bill Guerin invoking Marshall Law. And you better get used to it.

7. Do not look directly at Brooks Orpik. Making eye contact has been compared to looking into the Eye of Sauron. It will find you, but you must resists its beckoning call.

8. Do not touch Sidney Crosby. In the new new new NHl it is a penalty. Plus, as you already know, it hurts his feelings. So please, do unto others....

Why Not Us, That’s Why

It’s a constant struggle for me to look at the Flyers objectively. It makes sense, I guess. How could I when I’m rooting so hard for them? But the cold, hard truth is that the Flyers are not a good team. We’ve let ourselves think they are for two years now, and last season’s surprising post-season run fueled our fire, but they’re not. After the 2006-07 season we wanted to believe it so badly, but it’s just not true. The Penguins are a better team than the Flyers. That being said, I wouldn’t necessarily say they have a better cast of individual players in their lineup, just a better team when you look at them all-in. And that’s a tough pill to swallow.

I think where we all get hung up is that the Flyers have such great individual players, players that it’s easy to like because they don’t embarrass us with their cowardice, their embellishment, and crowd taunts that would make any hockey fan’s skin crawl. They work hard and keep their cards close to their chest, something all Philadelphians can admire. Three of these players finished in the top 27 in points. There are thirty teams in the league – that’s called disparity. Simon Gagne, Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, Danny Briere – these are all All-Star caliber players. Their supporting cast of Scott Hartnell, Joffery Lupul, Mike Knuble, and now Claude Giroux make up what I would consider to be the best collection of individual offensive skill in the Eastern Conference. Kimmo Timonen might be the most underrated defenseman in the league. Along with Ryan Parent’s shutdown style, Braydon Coburn, and Matt Carle you have four very capable defensemen. This, however, is not a team.

A good team does not finish the regular season having given up 33 shots a game – the most of any club that made it to the post-season. For me, that is the most definitive stat of the entire year. It’s my vindication. It turns out it wasn’t just the Philadelphia fan in me that thought the Flyers looked like they were just trying to weather the storm every game, and could hopefully outscore their opponent. That was actually happening. And that’s why, and this might be a little surprising coming from someone who seems to be such a big fan that he decided to start a Flyers blog (because apparently buying a bobble head just wasn’t enough for me), I am relieved that the season is over. There, I said it. I’m glad it’s done. It was too much. Maybe if you just joined up for the playoffs you don’t know what I’m talking about, but if you were watching all season you know exactly how stressful it was. And I’m not trying to be overly dramatic, as in it was actually stressful, especially in this economic environment, but I would look forward to games a couple of times a week and just not have a good feeling after they were done – I felt like I had wasted 2 and ½ hours most of the time. Even if the Flyers won. Because the truth was that if the Flyers couldn’t convince a team to tap out by over-powering them offensively in the first half of the game there was always a serious chance that they were going to come back and at least tie it.

These stats may seem a little obvious, as the more you score the more likely you are to win, but hopefully they’ll give you some insight into just how much the team depended on their offense this year. The Flyers went 29-3-2 this season when they scored 4 goals or more, even though they gave up an average of 3 goals-a-game in those 34 games. In the 48 games where they couldn’t put 4 up on the scoreboard they only won 15 of them. And only 11 of those 15 were in regulation. That is a disgusting stat. The Flyers couldn’t win the close game all year, so it’s no wonder they couldn’t do it in the playoffs. Each of the four games they lost was because the offense couldn’t dominate the Penguins. Less than four goals could rarely cut it for this team. That’s not how you win a Stanley Cup.

Please take a moment and remember Saturday’s game –specifically sitting there knowing that the Flyers had a three goal lead and being worried. Don’t worry, you’re not a psychic, just a fan. Now think back to our March 17th loss to the Red Wings. And our January 21st win when the Thrashers scored three goals in the first half of the third to tie up a game that had previously been 3-0. And then to January 16th when Tampa Bay scored 3 goals in two minutes to end our night in the second. And then our November 16th win against the same Thrashers when they came back to tie it in the third with two goals in first half of the period. And then all the way back to Games 3 & 4 against the Canadiens last year where they scored back-to-back goals to get back into the game within minutes of each other. As a Flyers fan no lead is safe. If you’re not expecting a miraculous comeback against us you haven’t been paying attention.

In the very same weekend that our beloved Flyers were eliminated from the playoffs the Capitals jumped out to a 3-0 win against the Rangers and won in Game 5. In Game 6 they jumped out to a 4-1 lead, and won. The Blackhawks assaulted the Flames out of the gate and had a 3-0 lead by the end of the first period and won Game 5 at home. The Hurricanes tallied a 3-0 lead in the second period of Game 6 and won 4-0.

How long are we going to let “weak goaltending” or something as insignificant as a single fight (that we won) serve as an excuse for a team that is just ok? “Why Not Us?” That is sad. Do you think the Red Wings have a slogan like that? No, there slogan is “We’re going to take the fucking Stanley Cup. Try and stop us.” Why not us is something that state lotteries use to get stupid people to waste their hard earned money on Powerball tickets. Is that how Philadelphia wants to make its return to the Stanley Cup Finals? Is that in the spirit of the many great Flyers that filled the pre-game intro this playoffs? “Let’s try and sneak in there!” “It could happen to anyone!” It’s seriously pathetic.

On October 28th Geoff Jenkins spent the entire night in the on-deck circle. It was his second night in a row. The Phillies were in the middle of Game 5 of the World Fucking Series, but no one was watching them. The tv’s in bars all throughout Philly were tuned to the Flyers, who were playing their ninth game of the season in Atlanta. It was as important a game as you can have in the infancy of your season. The Flyers came out of the gates slow with an 0-3-3 start. Everyone was questioning their new, young captain. Maybe he didn’t have what it takes. Maybe the coaching staff was’nt the right fit. Over the previous weekend, and under the radar, the Flyers had quietly earned two wins against their very talented rivals, the New Jersey Devils. If they won this night they would be .500 and pretty much have earned a clean slate. They came out that night and absolutely destroyed the Thrashers 7-0 while Philadelphia distracted itself by watching their first Flyers game of the year. They went into the third period with a 3-0 lead. And they didn’t sit on it when the puck dropped – they exploded for 2 goals in the first two minutes of the period. They later added two more on as a matter of principle. But the game was over with 18 minutes left. The next night a team that had won their division, and then handled the Brewers 3-1, and the Dodgers 4-1 won the World Series in convincing fashion, also 4-1. No one guessed that maybe it had been a fluke. They came out and took it.

What day is it?

After 3 straight days of alcohol, the FGSB office looks like downtown Baghdad. The tears are dried up on our dirty faces and I know my pants are around here somewhere. Expect a recap and a Flyer-mortuarium this week.
Let's Go Flyers to the Beach.

Hey Ladies....

Good news. This could be you. Even better news. Tonight's game wasn't a night game, so instead of showing up all hammered at midnight these guys are going to be hammered by around 9. I guarantee you some of the guys have a little buzz on already. Rumor has it Marty Biron and Danny Briere have already finished a bottle of Cab.

Please be gentle. We need these guys for the next few years. But, at the same time, a loss to Pittsburgh FC won't be easy to handle. So don't be too easy on 'em. If you know what I'm saying...and this Coors Light tells me you do.

On a personal note. If you get to the Hartnell household, where things are obviously going to end up, $15 for the secondary Big Buck Hunter gun.

(Don't worry Pens fans. If you want to check back in a few days we'll have a full synopsis of the series and some advice to the next opponent. The analysis will mainly consist of the troubles an NHL club might have against a team that prefers to play on the pitch. Don't tell me that wasn't embarrassing. You know what I'm talking about.)

Flyers Playoff Gameday: Game 6

"I can feel it coming back again, like a roll of thunder chasing the wind"

The words of Live never resonated like this before....Step 2 of the 3 step challenge takes place today down in the jungle of south philly. The Pens, still leading three games to two, will look to steal the series on the road. The no-quit Flyers will be looking to replicate their play for the past 4 games. It's easy to see the Flyers carrying the momentum in the series, and playing better hockey over the Pens. Today's game is going to be just as intense as game 5, but in front of the home crowd. A crowd in every way opposite to the pathetic attempt of a "white out" at the mellonball.

Make no mistake, the Flyers need to come out today and play like their lives are on the line. Winning a must-win game 5 didn't change that. They need to stay focused on their objectives and shut down the Pens in the defensive zone. Get Malkin and Crosby off their game, and shut down their scrubs. Give me the same level of play I've seen in the past 4 games and I'll be pumped. Add in the most amazing home crowd advantage ever and we are going to see something special. Seriously, the Wachovia Center is going to be poppin' off. I wouldn't be suprised if the National Guard gets called in to hand out more hotdogs. If there was ever a day for Ed Snider to give out $1 beers, today is the day. As I type this, I hope there are already tailgaters crushing it. Winning today would not only make all of our weekends, it would set up an instant classic game 7. Paging Dr. Lupul & Dr. Briere. Your presence is required.

If I could be anywhere on this beautiful Saturday afternoon, I'd want to be in the Wachovia Center. Its going to be legendary.

Fuck the Pens. This is our time. Lets Go Flyers.

Cote List

I'm sorry this is becoming a constant theme around here, but I was reading the same article by 4 different people yesterday and found myself wondering what Riley Cote is up to. Do you think he's in the room before and after games? Or do you think he's still laid up in the hospital recovering from his pinkie surgery? I mean, he's still very much a real part of the team even though there aren't enough spots for him to play. He dressed for 63 games this year, shed blood, and sacrificed his face bones for this team. He should be around, I think.

And then in search of some relief from the Mundane Hockey Interview I headed over to McSweeny's, home to the absolute funniest writing on the internet and got lost in their "Lists" section for about an hour. Every once in a while I like to take one of their ideas and see if i can apply it to this space, kind of like an assignment. It never comes out great, but that's where the Jim McCrossin monologue came from last month, as well as a number of seemingly off the wall ideas. Truth is they're usually off of other people's walls. But anyway, McSweeny's and Rockin' Riles got me thinking, and when you throw in a dash of coffee, getting me thinking results in things like this:

Riley Gets Breakaway from Red Line, Skates Fast

"Did the whistle blow or something?"

"If I score they'll find the cure for MS!"

"Triple deke. 1....2....."

"What is this? Where's the defense? Am I naked?

"Fuck you, Holly! I knew it would happen!"

"There goes the box...should I get in it?"

"Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Fuck."

Flyers Request Additional Entry Level Contract Allowance

Oh, and in other news....

Lunch Menu

Today, we're serving a delicious Crosby Sandwich. Do you want fries with that?

Malkin and Crosby Sending Messages

What were these two guys doing last night?

If you spend as much time hiding in the vents of a professional hockey locker room as I do you hear one thing over and over again - "he can't take a hit, boys!" It's just kind of a stock saying used to tell your teammates that you have to put the body on a certain player. That it will either take him off his game or he will actually start to shy away from the puck. In Malkin's case it appears to be a little different - he can't take an almost hit either. When Mike Knuble came flying in and startled the unfortunate looking Russian in the third period with a near hit Malkin was incredulous. I can only imagine what was going through his head. "How dare that American try to hockey check me!" All of this coming after Chris Kunitz has been legally running our smallest and best defenseman all series. So much so that even after jawing at Knuble all the way up the ice he went back at him after the whistle blew. All over what would have been a clean hit and was actually nothing.

And Crosby. The kid's been having an identity crisis all year, teetering between high scoring dangler and spot-picking enforcer - from his numerous documented incidents involving punching unsuspecting people to punching unsuspecting body parts. So after a decent hit on Timonen with 4 minutes left, while short-handed mind you, Crosby takes a whack at Arron Asham and breaks his stick in half. Not a smart move but you could chalk that up to frustration, I suppose. But blatantly cross-checking the other team's captain with 30 seconds left in an out-of-reach game? Really, Sidney? That's how you're going to play it? The great part is that every Flyer on the ice was given a free pass to go after Crosby right then - Richards especially. But he came off as such a petty little bitch, like a six year old that was denied dessert or something, that no one even cared. That must be embarrassing. When you can't even start trouble at the end of the game because you've grown to be that big of a joke.

Way to go guys. What were all those quotes after Game 3 about trying not to get sucked into the Flyers style of hockey? The next game after that you successfully avoided the grittier parts of the game and were dominated. When you got back into the rough stuff were shut out at home. How are you going to play it tomorrow? Maybe you should try not concentrating on what the Flyers may or may not doing and address your new locker room.

Flyers Survive

Fucking Flyers. I had this great season-ending post all ready and then they go and do something like this...and totally redeem themselves!

What a great performance in Pittsburgh. Actually, to tell you the truth, I don't think the Flyers looked 1/2 as good as they did on Tuesday. But they got it done, and that's all that counts. A game-winning goal from Arron Asham, another goal by Claude Giroux, and Mike Knuble finally netting one. It was all you could ask for.

Marty played a strong game in net, getting beat only when Malkin resorted to kicking the puck in. Has anyone heard anything about the Pens possibly joining the MLS next season? As if the dives and embellishments weren't enough....

Chew on this - the Flyers are going into game 6 on Saturday and there are only two forwards who haven't scored a goal in this series. If you had to guess who those players would have been at the beginning of the series you could have had 15 guesses and still not gotten it right. Maybe even 48. Claude Giroux is leading the team in points after 5 games along with Mike Richards. It's not the way it was planned. But we'll take it.

I know you're supposed to call your doctor if you have a Levitra induced boner that lasts longer than 4 hours, but what if it's from watching Penguins fans head for the exists with 4 minutes to go? What do you do then?

Here's to an excuse to tie one on at 3PM on Saturday! And to have 3 more tonight!

Elimination Day

Flyers fans just like you and I, but straight, have toiled through work on elimination days before - 49 times before to be exact. Filing useless forms, slab-jacking, fielding grounders - whatever you need to do to get through your work day. At end of most of them we've been disappointed...and drunk. But more than a third of the time we've been pumped up and hopeful...and drunk. You remember some of them, don't you?

- Back in '74 we went to game 7 against the Rangers on our way to winning the league championship. If it weren't for a 2 goal effort by Dorny we may never have hoisted that first Cup.
- In '80 we exploded all over the Islanders faces in Game six of the Cup Finals to force a Game 7. The Isles scored first but by the end of the third period Paul Holmgren was depositing our double insurance goal in a 6-3 win.
- In '86 we spanked the Rangers 7-1 to force a Game 5, back when the first round was best of five. Peter Zezel apparently only wanted to score a hat trick in Game 4 though, as the Flyers succombed to the Rangers in that Game 5, 5-2.
- The Spring of '89 was host to a tiny Flyers miracle. Down 3 games to 2 against the Pens the Flyers ended up winning the final 2 games of the series by a combined score of 10-3. One in the Pittsburgh and one at home.
- Believe it or not, the next time we won an elimination game, regardless of if it was just to delay the inevitable or to win the series, was in 2001. The Flyers hosted the Sabres in Game six and actually won 3-1. A young man named Simon Gagne had the first goal in that game. The Sabres might have just been using Game six to take the opportunity to lube up our b-holes however, as Game 7 was an 8-0 massacre in Buffalo.

Since then we've staved off elimination only to be later eliminated twice and twice won game 7's - one of each of those situations in last year's surprising run. In 10 years some prison blogger like myself might write up a similar history from his cell. This whole day, our whole lives, will just be one line on his twat (tweet?).

I wonder what it's going to say?

Flyers Playoff Gameday: Game 5

I woke up this morning the way many of you hockey-crazed, blog-reading people did. No, it was not tangled up in about a dozen or so naked swingers on my shag carpet...although that would make this post a lot more interesting. I woke up, took my ripped fuel, did my lunges and then looked out the window. "Today looks like a good day" I thought. After 3 straight days of rain, the sun was out, the sky was blue, and the wind was calm. After thinking about what underwear to go with (orange ones), my mind shifted to the only other thing that mattered today: Flyers hockey. With their season on the brink, the Flyers are in Pittsburgh tonight to do something they've never done before. In a hostile barn, surrounded by Nascar-rejects, they'll look to come back and win 3 games in a row. The first round of this seemingly impossible do-or-die happens tonight.

I have a funny feeling about tonight's game. It feels to me like there is something stirring in the Flyers locker room. These guys who have been, at times this season, too "cool and calm" are now at a point where everyone around them is giving out their Last Rites. For a very young club, this will be the defining moment in their season. It may be a lot of pressure, but this season, and how we'll all remember it, comes down to 60 minutes of hockey that will be played tonight.

This game, as a microcosm of the season and this series, comes down to the little plays. Little plays in the favor of the Flyers lead to momentum, momentum leads to scoring chances, scoring chances lead to goals. The Flyers need to stay positive and take every little battle to heart. Winning puck battles and forechecking effectively isn't just wanted, its required. The Flyers only chance is to capture the momentum for the full 60 minutes. Take everything. Give them nothing...

So are we destined to join the Habs & Blues as first round rejects, or is there more to this team than 1 victory. Is there more to the Flyers than this. Can they do what most people believe can't be done? We here at FGSB say: "Well why the fuck not?" If everyone plays the way we've seen them play for the better part of 3 games, then I have no doubt that we can win tonight. Game 6 in Philly would be a thunderous apocalypse of doom. We have the tools to get there. Marty Biron: tonight would be a great time for a shutout. Mike Richards: tonight would be a great time for a shorty. Claude: just keep being you. Simon Gagne and Danny Breeze: please for the loveofsweetjesus show me your scoring touch.

Our team is literally playing for their hockey-lives. It should make for one helluva game.

Today looks like a good day. Let's Go Flyers.

Raymond K. Hessel

THE BACK DOOR opens and Tyler brings the store's CLERK out at gunpoint, forces him to his knees. Jack is already there, freaked. Tyler points the gun at the Clerk's head.

JACK: What are you doing? Come on...
TYLER(to the clerk): Hands behind the back.
JACK: God!
TYLER (to the clerk): Give me your wallet.

The Clerk fumbles his wallet out of his pocket and Tyler snatches it. Tyler pulls out the DRIVER'S LICENSE.

TYLER: Raymond K. Hessel. 1320 SE Benning, apartment A. Small, cramped basement apartment, Raymond?
RAYMOND: How'd you know?
TYLER Because they give shitty basement apartments letters instead of numbers. Raymond, you are going to die.
RAYMOND: No,...

Tyler rummages through the wallet.

TYLER: Is that your mom and dad? Mom and dad will have to call kindly dr. so-and-so to dig up your dental records, do you wanna know why? Because there won't be nothing left of your face.
RAYMOND: Oh...
JACK: Aw, come on!

Raymond begins to weep, shoulders heaving.

TYLER: An expired community student ID! What did you study, Raymond?
RAYMOND: S-s-s-stuff...
TYLER: Stuff? Were the mid-terms hard?

Tyler rams the gun barrel against Raymond's temple.

TYLER: I asked you what you studied.
RAYMOND: Biology, mostly.
TYLER: Why?
RAYMOND: I don't know...
TYLER: What did you wanted to be, Raymond K. Hessel?

Raymond weeps and says nothing. Tyler COCKS the gun. Raymond GASPS.

TYLER: The question, Raymond, is what did you want to be?
JACK: Answer, Raymond! Jesus!
RAYMOND: Veterinarian! Veterinarian!
TYLER: Animals.
RAYMOND: Yeah, animals and s-s-s....
TYLER: --Stuff, yeah I got that. That means you have to get more schooling.
RAYMOND: Too much school.
TYLER: Would you rather be dead? Would you rather die? Here? On your knees? In the back of a convenient shop?
RAYMOND: Nooo!

Tyler UNLOCKS the gun, lowers it.

TYLER: I'm keeping your license. I'm going to check on you. I know where you live. If you aren't back in school and on your way to being a veterinarian in six weeks, you will be dead. Now run on home.

Tyler throws him his wallet. Raymond takes it, staggers to his feet and heads down an alleyway, running.

TYLER: Run, Forrest, run!
JACK: I feel ill.
TYLER: Imagine how he feels.
JACK: Come on, this isn't funny! That wasn't funny! What the fuck was the point of that?
TYLER: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day in Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

Tyler throws the gun back to Jack and walks away.


As it was for Raymond K. Hessel so could it be for the Flyers tomorrow morning. Right now they are on their knees in the back of a convenience store. No, not giving out BJ's like I had to do Junior year for drug money, but an instant from death. They're probably waking up right now and heading down to a banquet room to get some coffee and breakfast. Then they're going to take a bus over to the arena for the morning skate. Afterwards they'll take a nap and then wake up already in game mode. And then 3 hours later the game will begin and if they don't win then this team is dead. Most of the guys will get another shot next year, but as we learned this year, no one's (except #18,#17, and #44) spot is safe on this club, nor should it be. If they don't win tonight it's over. If they do, they get to stay alive, and do it all again for 2 more days.

Flyers vs. Pens: A Good Reason to Bang Eachother?

I was doing some research and I happened upon a website that serves to organize Penguins fans at a New York sports bar in hopes of rooting their team on to victory. The fact that whoever organizes this thing chose one of the absolute worst bars in the city in possibly the stupidest location is not surprising, but the whole concept got me thinking.

Every once in a while about 8 of us Flyers fans will get together and watch a game at the bar, but we all knew eachother before we moved to New York. As far as I know none of us has ever tried to find or organize a viewing party. But say we did. Say we found out that Flyers fans were meeting up at (let me pick a bar that's on the same level as Foley's) Planet Hollywood in Times Square. Say that we were actually nice extroverts who enjoyed meeting new people in this dangerous, disgusting city. How does it work?

So we e-mail and join an attendee list like an e-vite? I guess maybe each of us would write something a little funny like "I'll be the one naked painted in orange body pant!" Just to be clear we would write that but would not be naked. So we'd wait until the night of the game, meet up beforehand, and then we'd walk in. I'd expect to see like 20 or 30 people in some form of Flyers gear, from a subtle hat to an obnoxious Hartnell wig. But what do we do? Start walking right up to people and introducing ourselves like we're a bunch of long lost relatives? Like they're expecting us and know who we are? Does the fact that you support the same team mean that you can just start talking to anyone in there? I guarantee that if we did come in a group we would go sit at our own table. Sure we'd cheer at the same time as everyone else. Maybe we'd make a joke to someone at another table....but what else happens? Are there a bunch of single people in there? People who might use hockey as foreplay and are going to end up taking shots at the bar long after the game is over and then start banging eachother?

Is New York the only city that has this phenomenon? It's fairly common to see a gaggle of soccer hooligans dressed up in Premiership jerseys any Saturday around 11AM, but this is easier to understand because the games aren't on tv and aren't even being played in this country. But hockey...I was surprised to see this was happening.

Is there a Pittsburgh bar in Philly? If so, is there are reason it's still standing?

Writers Drive Me Nuts (Well Not Dickie Dunn)

After I wrote my post this morning I went over to Philly.com, against my better judgement, and clicked on the Flyers article that had the least boring title. I forget which one it was or who it was by, but no sooner had the window opened than I was reading about how the Flyers are 0-11, or maybe 0-13, in series when they're down 3 games to 1. It's a stat, sure, but it has nothing to do with anything. Does that seriously help any of you understand how difficult a comeback would be? Isn't being down 3 to 1 in a best of seven series easy enough to comprehend? Does that fact that the 1973 Flyers were down 3-1 to the Canadiens and eventually lost the series have anything to do with tomorrow's game? So Ross Lonsberry and crew couldn't get it done 36 years ago...what does that mean to Mike Richards? Or our new #25, Jesus Christ?

Say that instead of 0 for 13 it was 1 for 13. That would still maintain the same wow factor as 0 for 13, just we're pushing our chances up from 0% to 7%. Still not very good and not very likely. Would it take anything away from that one time that the Flyers did it? Would that Spring have been any less crazy? It's just a useless and lazy thing to mention in the context that it somehoe offers some insight. It's telling in so far as it's more difficult to win one game in a row than three in any contest - board games, baseball, drunk driving. Sports writers like to try and trick you into thinking it's a stat that speaks to a specific franchise's ability to do something unlikely - which it does not. The only thing that transcends time when it comes to year over year stats is the franchise itself.

Flyers sign Jesus Christ

(Artist rendition of Thursday night's game)

(Philadelphia, PA) In a surprising move to help the Flyers win the next 3 straight games, Paul Holmgren has signed Jesus Christ to an entry level contract. The deal, which terms are still unknown, comes at a crucial time for the Philadelphia Flyers, who find themselves down three games to one in a best of seven series. "With the way that Flower kid stopped all our shots, they must be using the dark arts..." General Manager Paul Holmgren stated at today's press conference. "We all know they tongue Bettman's balls, yet this type of performance(Tuesday night), well it just screams to me that Lucifer is helping them, so we need to counteract this."

Jesus, who has had quite a season, has amassed 1.5 billion points and 0 penalty minutes in 40 games playing on the Galilee Gunners. He started this year with his first game played on December 25th, followed by his quick retirement on Good Friday and then an amazing comeback the following Sunday. The buzz has been building as to who was going to be able to sign the "Jewish Carpenter" for the playoffs. Jesus's agent, God, broke it down quite simply. "Well we wanted to sign where we were needed, and this just felt like the perfect fit. Jesus has always been a fan of the Flyers and is ecstatic as to donning the Orange and Black. It's been his lifelong dream."

Jesus should be slotted on the first, second, third, and fourth line, and will be mainly used to score goals, all the while battling the forces of Penguin evil. He'll bring a peaceful yet vengeful attitude to the Flyers, and will look to bring the series back to Philadelphia on Saturday.

Jesus was unavailable for comment.

Domination

If we're friends, and I like to think we are, then you won't mind me telling you a little secret - last night was the most fun I've had watching a Flyers game all year. They played incredible hockey. It was like watching a game from what I imagine our opposition's viewpoint is most of the time. We controlled the puck all night, had multiple serious scoring chances that had me rising from my seat, and still managed to thrash the Penguins around. Every shift in the entire game (except when shorthanded) felt like a real opportunity for the Flyers to score. Obviously there'd be a much different feeling in the series if the outcome had been different, but I'd take that brand of hockey any night. Most of the time it's going to win. And to tell you the truth I don't think Fleury played all that great of a game. He had a good one without a doubt, but by no means great. Both Gagne's and Powe's shots from the slot went directly into his glove - had either of them been right under the bar they would have been much more difficult saves. And then he had some luck on a couple posts, a significant number of shots into his chest, and managed to cover up on a number of goal mouth scrambles.

Some advice: disregard the stats you are about to read in the coming days about teams never coming back from 3-1 deficits. They'll be Flyer specific and then "in the history of the NHL" style. They're really meaningless and not even fun. The chances of landing on Claude Giroux's # 28 on three roulette spins in a row are 1 in 50,000. The chances of landing on #28 just once is 3%. This is just once. Just this Flyers team versus just that Penguins team. And if you focus even more, as I'm sure the Flyers will be, it's just one game. On Thursday. And if the Flyers team that played last night is the one that makes the trip to Pittsburgh there's a good chance that your 80 degree Saturday afternoon is going to be spent indoors somewhere watching the Flyers play the Penguins.

Natural Talent

Watching that intro video 17 times this afternoon got me thinking about the Flyers history. And we understand that prior results have no indication of future behavior or outcomes in something with as few constants as sports, but we thought it'd be fun to take a look back at a Flyers playoff performance from the past. Our demographics tell us that our audience is mainly 60 year old men posing as 14 year old girls, so you'll probably all remember this one.

Bobby Nystrom's overtime goal in Game 6 of the 1980 Stanley Cup Finals marked the beginning of an era of prosperity that John Tavares and the Kansas City Islanders only pray they'll be able to come close to in the next 20 years. As the Islanders went on to win 3 Cups in the next 3 seasons the Flyers had a couple decent years that unfortunately saw some early playoff exits. But in 1984 there were the makings of a new dynasty in the league. A team from Edmonton had bested the Islanders in 5 games and denied them their 5th Stanley Cup in a row. And the next season the tides had changed in the Wales Conference when the first place Flyers faced the third place Islanders in the Patrick Division Finals. The Flyers went on to handle the Isles 4-1 in the series, but in Game 2 on April 21 it took a special effort from a 6 year veteran and the team's second leading scorer to best the Islanders.

25 year old Brian Propp had a knack for scoring when the Flyers took him 14th overall in the 1979 NHL Entry Draft. Propp had put up 194 points in 71 games with the Brandon Wheat Kings of the WHL. Back then it wasn't like it is today, a point total like that meant you could come in and be an impact player immediately with your NHL club at the age of 18 or 19. And he did just that. In his first season with the Flyers he had 34 goals an 41 assists. By the mid 80's he was consistently reaching the mid 90's in points.

In front of a raucous Philadelphia crowd #26 netted 2 goals in the first period and then tallied another during the end of the 2nd for the Flyers second natural playoff hat trick of that post season. There have only been five natural playoff hat tricks by the Flyers in their history and Propp has two of them.

Could you imagine if a Flyer could net a hat trick, much less a natural one, in Game 4? If it were X there'd be multiple pairs of mud drawers in the Wach tonight.

Flyers Playoff Gameday: Game 4

Three games are over. All that separates the Flyers from the Penguins was a 5-on-3 in overtime. Both teams have held serve at home, and the Flyers will look to continue that trend tonight.

Game 1 was shit. Game 2 was progress. Game 3 was destruction. Game 4 will be vindication as the Flyers have a chance to tie up the series and gobble up all the momentum. All the story lines built up over 3 games boil over onto the ice in Philadelphia. (Can story lines actually "boil"? Are story lines like water?") The Center will be insane, just as it was on a Sunday afternoon. Now, at the stroke of 7 on a drinkin' type of day, I'd be surprised if the Penguins even make it out of their hotel.

We know what tonight will be like, and the Flyers know what's at stake. Playing in the Mellonball down 3-1 is not an option. They'll play like their season is on the line, and the fans will respond in a deafening noise that will rattle the rafters. Playing smart hockey wins you the game tonight. If that dickhead Kunitz wants to run at Timmonen, then make him pay for it, in a smart way...in a Game 3-type way. If Kris Letang wants to show that he's not just a Keanu Reeves impersonator, then let him, and he'll be shown the box. Clear the crease, bury the puck, play team defense. If that happens, it will be extremely hard for the Penguins to ever get going. Add in the crowd noise and the clear advantage lies with Philly.

We all know there will be shitty calls. The Penguins flop and embellish more than an Italian soccer team. The Flyers did a great job at PK for the better part of game 2 and Game 3. (You know, aside from that little, game-winning PP goal in G2) Crosby and Malkin will get their calls. The Flyers just need to maintain their cool and make sure the Pens aren't rewarded. Ryan mentioned it yesterday, but Geno "My mother banged Frankenstein" Malkin has to be stopped. He single-handedly kept the Pens in the game for over two periods. If we limit him tonight we'll be in an even better position to knock the fuck out of them.

Since everyone played well on Sunday it'll be interesting to see who steps up again tonight. Obviously, I want Giroux to dominate once more. It'll be great to see who Dan Blysyssma puts out there against X, Powe, and Danny Breeze. I'd love to see Hartnell get a greasy one tonight, hopefully right in front of Maxime Tallbutt, or Briere zip one passed Mark Andrew Flower. Yes, I've resorted to making bad nicknames for the Penguins, seems to be a very fashionable way to show your dislike these days. I'm either already drunk or so fired up I can't sit still. Either way I can't think straight. All I can see in my head is Robocop wearing Orange & Black shooting up all of inner city Pittsburgh, but in my head, all those weird punks with mohawks and tattoos and 80's clothing from the movies are actually the Pittsburgh Penguins. Robocop just fucked them up and saved a cat from a tree. Robocop = the Flyers.

So tonight, I want my TV to ooze out penguin blood. I want Kate Smith to bring the house down. I want to see what Game 3 did to the team. Series gets taken to a whole new level tonight. Let's Go Flyers.

Flyers Pimping Their Intro

If you're not going to get a chance to attend a game until the second round here's what you're missing for the Flyers playoff intro. Some of the clips are questionable, as they appear to be hits from behind, but it's otherwise a pretty good pre-game video.

If you have little ones you might want to consider playing this for them instead of reading them a bedtime story tonight. And also replacing the milk in their bottles with Crab Fries. Don't think, just do it.

Look, We're the Pensblog!

Here's a picture of a member of the opposition in a witty, slightly obscure photoshop!

And here's one of our players looking badass!

We don't give a shit about shit.

Except formatting.

Let's make funny names up. Like, like...like Malkin is Shmalkin!

Aren't we ironic?!?

No one better ever, ever write anything about us. Or we'll call those fuckers out with our detective skills.

Everyone else is a pussy!

We're edgy!Like 8-mile!

An Open Letter to the Gentlemen of the NYSC

We are not a team. I am not Danny Briere and you are not Riley Cote. I think you're a little confused by the fact that we are in a locker room, and locker room to you means high school football, communal showers, and towel whipping people. When you are on a team, yeah, you get naked around each other and do funny things. Once again, we are not a team. Here are a few examples of things you should not be doing in a non-team locker room situation:

1. Lopping your leg up on anything while naked. The truth is that you probably shouldn't be hanging around naked at all, but that might be running before we walk as it seems to be your favorite thing. And don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a prude. Your body is a wonderland of biology and timing - shit it's a wondercountry if we're being honest. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of their body, just maybe a little more guarded about it's deepest secrets.

2. In the same vein (pardon the pun), there's no need to blow dry your hair in the middle of the room with absolutely zero clothes on. I'm not sure, as a man, why you are blow drying your hair anyway. But standing in front of the mirror with a hair dryer in one hand and a comb in the other is not your best look.

3. Huh, I guess most of these things have to do with being naked. But please don't sit bare-assed on one of the few benches in the room. I can't believe you do it for your own safety's sake - you're going to get hemroids. But there is very limited space to temporarily place an extra t-shirt or something when you're getting ready. If your ass cheese gets on my shirt I'll literally have to go home.

4. This one might be a bit strange but please buy a lock. Not being the Flyers we don't have the same locker day in and day out. When I open a locker only to find it packed with all of your stuff, and your essence wafts into my face, I gag. This is not a good way to go into a lower body work out.

5. This one is pretty similar to number two, but if you've ever been to the doctor you know that you're allowed to weigh yourself with your clothes on. If you're trying to do a comparison over a couple weeks just have clothes on the first time. Take 2 pounds off (shit, take three!) just cover up a bit, guy.

6. There's no reason not to pull your shower curtain tightly closed to both sides of the shower. It's human inclination to peek into cracks, and even though I've probably peeked into yours multiple times when you've had your leg lopped up on a counter don't be surprised if we make eye contact when your shower curtain is open.

7. This one might be the most important - there's really no need to talk loudly and joke around with your gym friends. We don't need to razz each other about having to cut the workout short because you're going to the movies with your "boo." You don't need to tell me I "really helped you on that last 1/4 mile" when I didn't even know you were on the treadmill next to me. You don't need to address the workers there like they're your best friends (even though they might be). They're there to fold towels and get me juice boxes, not talk to you about protein shakes and that girl's ass on the stair climber. He is not Jim McCrossin.

8. And my last wish would be just to give me a little time and space. If you were Marty Biron and I was Claude Giroux sure we could be in our lockers at the same time. It doesn't work like that with 10 inch wide lockers and doors that when open block their neighbors. Give me 1 minute and I'll move all my stuff. I promise.

So just to recap a bit - this is not our locker room. In reality it's a relatively public space and the only limitation is that women can't come in. So while you should remain alone in one sense you're actually around a bunch of people that surprisingly enough don't feel the need to see your balls. Well some do I'm sure, but not me. So keep your balls hidden, your mouth shut, and your eyes away from mine and we should be fine. Let's go hit those free weights boys!

We've Got to Stop the Oger

Some players just have a nose for the net, and even though his is green, Evgeni Malkin is one of them. He got a gift in game one and a knee shot in game two. His first goal yesterday was the result of some great positioning when he sneaked into the slot just like he sneaked into the U.S., and the second had eyes. When it comes to producing offensive chances I'd have to say that Malkin is significantly more dangerous than Crosby.

He's currently leading the NHL in playoff scoring with 7 points in 3 games. If the Penguins win the next two against the Flyers and then sweep every opponent on the way to a Cup he'd score roughly 39 points in 17 playoff games. Gretzky had an incredible 47 points in 18 games in 1985 and Lemieux had 44 in 23 games in 1991. It's no secret that for whatever reason the top scorers in the league no longer get 150 points a year so getting around 40 points would be an amazing accomplishment. on par with both The Great One's and The Magnificent's accomplishments.

I can't help but go back to avoiding this fate and beating the Penguins relies on the one simple thing we've heard 5,000 times already this post season - staying out of the box. Three of his points have come on the powerplay. One was an assist on the overtime winner in Game 2, an assist that earned the team a win. Their powerplay is so dangerous, and the ugliest dude in the world is perhaps the key component to it. We need to stop giving him chances and take a page out of the Rangers playbook (just threw up a little) and get bodies in front of his shots. He gets discouraged easily. We need to take advantage of that weakness.

In the World of Internet Shit Talking

If you read that title as "shit taking" and are here for some perverted reason please feel free to exit now.

The whole thing has already been scripted. No matter who's saying what, you always end up winning the battle if your team wins. It's all about the attitude. When you win you have the ultimate ace up your sleeve. If ripping on one of the opposition's players isn't quite getting the traction you need, or you're actually losing the e-argument, just resort to the old "scoreboard." When your team loses you have a chip on your shoulder and your buttons are easily pressed. As your team goes so do your badass comments.

So it's funny, even though we're still down in the series, to see Penguins blogs resort to the same kind of tactics we've had to instill over the last two games. Suddenly the game doesn't matter as much as Pierre McGuire's announcing. And the fans....boy...what a bunch of losers! But not so much about the game. If you plan on venturing into the Penguins message boards or kid-adult chat rooms be ready to hear all about the series being 2-1. Because when you're in an argument about how much Mike Richards sounds like Steve Urkel (which he does) and you've had enough debating and ask about yesterday's game you're going to push their defenses back to the only thing they still have - on overtime 5-3 based series advantage.

Our advice would be, even if we win tomorrow and even if we win the series, just to stay out of it. Their fans are probably feeling bad enough because their team got SMOKED yesterday and their a bunch of punk ass, drunk, ugly losers!!

Proof

It can be done. The Flyers can beat the Penguins handily in the playoffs. Shit, they might even be able to win this series if they continue to play like they did today. Claude Giroux played an incredible game, but there’s one player who stood out to me above all the others – Darroll Powe.

I don’t know what changed but Darroll Powe was a fucking wildman out there today. It started with him dropping the gloves and going after Letang without hesitation and continued as he followed Malkin to the box in the second period. And then when he was in that scrum behind the Flyers net in the third and managed to get ahold of Sidney Crosby behind the net… well he looked like a homicidal lunatic who wanted to eat Sid the Kid’s face. Whatever John Stevens said in the locker room before the game it’s safe to say Powe took to heart. And then some. Powe ended the game a plus one and with an assist, and maybe 83 hits. That dude was fired up.

The reffing in today’s game was consistent in that it was horrible again. Granted it’s a rough series, and maybe the number of missed calls and ridiculous calls are balancing out, but I’m honestly not sure what they’re watching. The fact that the Penguins seem to be taking a lesson from their leader and have perfected the art of embellishment makes it a little tricker to call., but was I the only one who saw Kimmo’s stick get snapped in half by a slash in the third? Have they been calling that penalty this series…?

All in all it was a great game. And the Flyers are still alive. I’m wondering if they’ll rock the orange jerseys again on Tuesday. If they could tie this series up in game 4 we’d be in for a hell of a 3 game series.

Flyers Playoff Gameday: Game 3

Down 2-0. The time for talk is over. The Wachovia Center can change any series. And today, it shall. I expect the place to be a madhouse. I'll be in section 105, and for anyone who finds me(I'll be wearing my Kenny Chesney tank top) I'll be giving out free FGSB thongs for the first 100 visitors. It's on like Donkey Kong tonight bitches. Let's Go Flyers.

Boston More Patriotic Than Philly?

Take off on Monday. If you can’t send an e-mail now telling your boss that you need a personal day then at least make a mental note that you’re going to call in sick very early on Monday morning saying that you’ve been up all night with Both Ends.

Monday, in Boston, is Patriot’s Day. If you don’t have some family, friends, or work connection you might not know this. The entire city is off on Monday. And they don’t even have a must win home Flyers game to watch tomorrow. All day Monday, and therefore Sunday, Bostonians will be enjoying cocktails and cans of Natty Light at pre-marathon and marathon parties. They’ll be watching the Red Sox immediately following the Marathon, as they host the Baltimore Orioles. And then they’ll be trying to stay sober enough to remember any of that night’s Celtics or Bruins games. It’s a great day to live in Boston. But I have one question – Is Boston more patriotic than us? Do they have the Liberty Bell? Was the Constitution signed there? Did Ben Franklin used to take dumps in Boston? No, his turds dropped in Philly. So they had a tea party and Paul Revere climbed to the summit of Bunker Hill once. So what. If they get off then we should get off too. And here’s why.

You’ll recognize this picture as a clock:


If you’ve been to a live sporting event you’ll recognize this picture as something some nerd in a production booth uses to get the crowd pumped up:

Tomorrow, for you, they should be one in the same. Tomorrow you should get up around nine if possible and start getting pumped. Do whatever you have to do before noon, because at noon you hit the halfway point and crack that first Yuengling bottle. By 3PM you need to be so jacked up that you wet your pants. Literally. Urinate in them right before the puck drops. The Flyers need the 21st man tomorrow and you’re it.

You know you’ve done your job when the series in 2-1 on Monday morning and you’re throwing up in your own toilet bowl as marathoners are finishing up their 26 mile run in Boston. This might be your proudest moment.

About Last Night

Is no one going to say anything about the reffing? I’m not even talking about the obvious mis-call on the Carter penalty or the Carle “slash” or the Knuble “manslaughter.” All I’d ask for is consistency. And neither team is getting it. Hiding the refs’ obvious uncertainties on how to call a playoff game under the guise of “letting them play,” in light of the exact opposite style of officiating in Game 1, does have an effect on the outcome of the series. Which is exactly the opposite of what good officiating should be accomplishing. That shift in the first period where Crosby took out Lupul and then Carter tripped Letang would have resulted in two penalties in Game 1. After some confusing logic is communicated by Colin Campbell these are no longer penalties? Parent and Malkin don’t go off for Greco-Roman wrestling in Game 2 but Arron Asham gets two minutes for touch someone with his stick two nights before?

And now it’s your turn Simon…

20 shifts. Less than 20 minutes in total. That’s about how much Simon Gagne is asked to contribute on a nightly basis. Players like Darroll Powe bust their ass every single second they’re on the ice. They are the example that should be followed. When Scott Hartnell threw his stick (another missed call by the refs) it was a play born from effort. It was a misguided attempt, but he needed his stick to be somewhere he literally couldn’t get to even thought he was busting his balls trying. But Simon Gagne…not only did he fail to get something on the cross-ice pass to Bill Guerin on the Penguins first goal, but then look at this effort:

“Oh, wish I…could…get…it. Nope it’s in. Shoot.”

Scott Hartnell would have blocked that shot. Darroll Powe would have blocked that shot. Many of the Penguins block these types of shots on the rare occasion the Flyers are in their zone. These are the little things that matter. They don’t always end up reflected on the scoreboard, but you never know until it’s too late. In this case it would have mattered a lot. This is indicative of the effort that some guys on the team are just not willing to give. Which is why we’re down 2-0 in this series.

Friday Night Hockey

If you have 5 minutes and have never seen this it's worth the watch. Even if you have seen it it's worth the watch. I'm not saying our situation is this desperate by any means, but I know a lot of us have shifted to a doubtful hope from an excited one. Anything can happen. That's why you play the games.

All it takes is one goal to get this series going:

So Apparently that John Stevens Firing Was Bullshit

Which is strange. Because this morning we received a copy of Coach Jung's itinerary in our inbox. Along with a couple pictures of Penguins fans engorged genitalia. It read:

6:00 AM - Pots and Pans Wake Up
6:15 AM - 10 Mile Run
8:00 AM - One 12 inch line of blow per player
8:05 AM - Weight Lifting
12:00 PM - Each player will catch a chicken like Rocky. Bite its head off like Ozzy. Cook it and eat it like Colonel Sanders.
12:30 PM - Gumies
12:35 PM - Arts and Crafts: Make a macaroni picture of you buttfucking the Penguin you like the least.
1:00 PM - Everyone in the penalty box together. Release 20 rats.
1:45 PM - Attend to rat bite wounds.
2:00 PM - Pick Penguin player's name from hat.
2:15 PM - Inject cocaine.
2:20 PM - Ride a bike to that player's house and whisper evil things to them while they take their afternoon nap.
4:00 PM - Everyone fully dressed and ready for the game.
4:10 PM - Lights off, glow stick, green light cocaine dance party.
5:30 PM - One player per gate. Begin fan massacre when the gates open.
6:00 PM - Retreat when the fans begin to win.
6:05 PM - Begin smashing the foundation of Mellon Arena with cocaine fuelled slapshots.
7:00 PM - Everyone on the bench. Lines off your stick.
7:05 PM - Score 60 goals in 60 minutes of hockey. Leave 1 Penguin alive to come to Philly for Game 3.

And it none of these things seem to be happening. Seeing as this was posted on Twitter during what was supposed to be 4 ours of cocaine fueled weight lifting.


Soccer? Optional skate? Is someone laughing in that picture? If so it better be because they heard Pascal Dupuis was trapped in that stupid fucking gondola that's in every picture of Pittsburgh all night with a transvestite.

As far as associate coach Fran and I can tell there isn't even any Metallica playing. Are we the only ones bumping yay all day in anticipation for this game?

Coke.

Cocaine.

Flyers Playoff Gameday: Game 2

Game 2 kicks off in a little over 7 hours. For half the teams playing in the NHL Playoffs, this game has become as close to a must-win game as it can possibly be. Unfortunately, the Flyers find themselves in that collection of desperate teams as they take on the Penguins tonight at the Igloo. They only have themselves to blame. We all know the story by now, as it's been happening for the past month. Shit penalties, lack of visible effort, and no sustained pressure. There have been glimpses of hope, enough to hang your hat on, but nothing has come of it.

The Flyers aren't playing up to their potential. That's all that needs to be said of it. I don't need to read another GD cookie-cutter article from Phil Sheridan, Sam Donnellon, Timmy P, or anyone from TSN tell me what we've all been seeing for some time now. No amount of bitching from them, or from me is going to change the way the players feel. It's up to them to lace them up and hit the ice with a purpose. What we can do as fans is be hopeful. Hopeful that the Flyers are looking around the locker room, seeing Craig Berube sharpening his knives and realizing that if they don't score 8 goals Mike Knuble's cat is going to get stabbed.

But let's not forget, Flyers faithful, in times like these, this is why we're fans... It measures your mettle, and makes victories that much more tasty. It's easy to cast doubt on the team's chances after seeing the turd they laid on Wednesday night. But you know what? They have only one direction they can go, and that's up. The only question left to ask is "Do they want to go in that direction?" Hopefully after they all read Joffrey's blog and finished up their nightly scrabble game they all went back to their hotel rooms and stared into the mirror, literally. It's within them to crush the Pens, and to hoist the Stanley Cup.

You really think it was the Pens doing that we lost Game 1? I mean they played good, but we handed them that game on a platter. I'm scared at what Crosby and Malkin can do on any given shift, but I am definitely not scared of the team as a whole. I am scared of all the obese people who were sitting in section B3 with me on Wednesday night. They looked at me like I was a Primanti Bros. sandwich, one bigger lady actually tried to bite my muscles off but since they are made of steel, her teeth fell out. The 'gloo will be rockin' again tonight and the Pens will want to get on the board early. First goal tonight is the most important goal of the season.

We don't have Carcillo tonight. Whatevs. We get Luca Sbisa instead, I'll take that. Kimmo will probably go too. You know what everyone needs to do. Game 1 is history. Gone. Forgotten. Game 2 is all that matters.

I'll be in the minority, but I'm calling a Flyers victory tonight. It won't be pretty or easy, but they'll get it done. I have phaith in my team, and I think tonight is where they show themselves how dangerous they can be. Do I have doubts? Sure. But I wouldn't be a Philly fan if I didn't. Let's Go Flyers.

Songs That Should Be Playing in the Flyers Locker Room Tonight

I'm like borderline making a Youtube slideshow with bad ass music for these guys. And it's 9:45. In the morning. Fran is usually the DJ in this booth and I'm the guy with the props, his Jackie the Joke Man if you will. But since Fran was out late last night after starting off at Lucky Chengs (google that) I'm controlling the tunes at the FGSB office today. I'll be the first to tell you - I play the same 10 songs over and over. Especially when I'm boozin'. I got sticky ipod fingers, can't help it, was born that way. So this morning I threw together a 12 songer that we're playing on repeat ALL DAY here, and I'm pretty sure it's what the Flyers should be listening to in the locker room instead of the Indigo Girls. So here's what we're rocking out to all day. Let me apologize to my first beer at 5 PM, because beer, you don't have a chance.

1. Our Lady Peace - Innocent (Live)
2. Bachman Turner Overdrive - Let it Ride
3. Enter the Rooms - Hideaway
4. Silversun Pickups - Well Thought Out Twinkles
5. ACDC - Thunderstruck
6. Buckcherry - Lit Up
7. Dave Matthews Band - All Along the Watchtower (please don't kill me. I like it. Can't help this either.)
8. Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song
9. Coheed and Cambria - A Favor House Atlantic
10. Smashing Pumpkins - United States
11. Hell is for Heroes - Five Kids Go
12. Oasis - Fucking in the Bushes

I'm sure I'm missing a ton of great stuff. What would you have on here?