Real Flyers TV

On the Flyers website they have this thing called Flyers TV, on which they show interview clips that you later read in the newspapers. Exciting, right? Well what you're reading now is the first draft of a Business Case for Flyers Goal Scored By TV. We haven't had much time to develop the actual plan, because that aspect of it is boring, except to write the charter.

Flyers Goal Scored By TV aims to offer viewers spice, sexy, and spicy sex.

We have many ideas for shows that would help to build the Flyers brand while also letting the Flyers faithful get to know a little more about their favorite players than the standard post-game interview offers.

The Pitch
Our office is willing to produce a weekly Flyers show to be broadcast on Comcast every Thursday night. Our budget? Only $1k an episode. Oh, not convinced yet Flyers? Well get ready, because here's where we blow you...away.

The Pilot
Today we're shooting our first episode of "Flyers Goal Scored By..." We obviously don't have access to the real Flyers so we're going to have to use stand-ins from our office. In the real show each player will be wearing his jersey, just like at the Wives Carnival. We couldn't afford that so we're making t-shirts. Either way, just visualize this.

Episode 1: Beirut Tournament
In this episode randomly paired (lowest # and highest #) groups of Flyers will compete in a Beirut tournament for the Tolpeko Cup. We're talking full cups, bouncing allowed, release behind the table, old-fashioned Beirut. The teams?

1 - Coburn and Parent
2 - Jones and Briere
3 - Gagne and Asham
4 - Carcillo and Timonen
5 - Lupul and Biron
6 - Carter and Alberts
7 - Richards and Powe
8 - Hartnell and Cote
9 - Knuble and Nitty
10 - Carle and Giroux

When we actually shoot this episode on the roof of the Wach on a sunny Spring day I'd have my money on either Team Barber (7) or Team Schultz (8) taking the Tolpeko Cup. As it stands, Fran and I got stuck playing the parts of Jones and Briere, so look for an upset. The mock trial, if you will, kicks off at 12. We'll keep you updated with pictures and bracket changes as we progress through the tourney.

We're up against Stephanie (Coburn) and the ever sexual Steve (Parent) in the first round....so it shouldn't take that long until I can update you on their defeat.

Don't you wish your office would do something like this on a Tuesday?!?

Update 1 - 12:40 PM
Well that didn't take long. Knocked out by Braydon Coburn and Ryan Parent in less than an hour...how do you like that? Also, the office camera has been dropped in a plastic cup of ice cold Natty Light. Things are not going great, but I'm drinking beer and you're not!

Carcillo and Timonen have a 2-1 advantage on Gags and Ash.

Lupul and Biron are getting blow away 5-1 by Carter and Alberts.

Richards and Powe are knotted up with Hartsy and Riles, with 2 cups remaining each.

And Carle and Giroux just beat Knuble and Nitty with 4 cups left on the table...that's a lot od dank to drink!

Update 2 - 1:15 PM
First round is over and we've already discovered a tiny flaw in our brackets - we only have 5 teams for round 2! That's why the talent (Me and Fran obviously) are getting a second crack at the Cup, this time as Berube and McIlhergny or however the shit you spell his name!

ROund 2
Carvillo and Timonen vs. Berube and McIlhergny
Richards and Power vs. Carter and Alberts
Coburn and Parent vs. Carle and Giroux

Get your peanuts heeeeere!

Update 3 - 2:00 PM
When we actually shoot this we're going to need some more controls, and possibly some referees. There's no way the Flyers are going to let us air Braydon Coburn making out with Mike Knuble. That and it's delaying our progress significantly. RIchards and Powe already destroyed Carter and Alberts with a 6-0 rout. That means Alberts and Carter finishe their own and #18's and #36's. That's 6 beers a piece in the enxt 20 minutes. Things should get exotic. Like a bird.

Update 4 - 2:30 PM
Has anyone seen Craig Berube? We were about to knock off Carcillo and Kimmo! Braydon returned back to her game and they beat Carle and Giroux in overtime. Everyone's saying that they're going to call our game if Fran doens't gett his ass back here!

Update 5 - 3:30
Bad news for all you Flyers fans! Matt Carle was caught smoking cigarretes in teh bathroom and Joffery Lupul is going to be out the rest of the season with a rubbed groin!!

Update 6 - 4:38
Who ate my socks!!!

Loose Puck Bunnies

The Flyers come into tonight’s NHL action tied for 4th place in goals with the San Jose Sharks. No thanks to Jeff Carter. On Monday February 9th I wrote a post called “16 in 30,” in which I explored how much blood would flow into my penis if Jeff Carter could score 16 goals in his remaining 30 games this season and reach the 50 goal mark. Since that post, in 23 games, that asshole has netted 7. Hope he likes life on the unemployment line.

Who thinks Riley Cote’s finger injury is going to be a nagging one that keeps him out the rest of the year? I most definitely do. I love Riles but is he even worth having around as a fighter anymore? His fight record this year is 3-15-3 and ONE. That last one is for getting murdered by Donald Brashear. Does Daniel Carcillo mark the end of Riley Cote’s tenure in Philly? I’d have to say “why not?”

A point a game is great, and the Flyers have 3 guys that might end the season having hit that milestone. But do you remember when you’d check out the point leaders in the actual newspaper as a kid before you went to practice? And you’d read Lemieux 160, LaFontaine 148, Oates 142, Yzerman 137…where have all the cowboys gone?

I’m not really a jersey guy, but if I were forced to get one right now I think I’d have to go with Coburn or Parent. Richards and now Carter are too popular, Hartnell is the cool choice, and Briere, Gagne, and Timonen are the one’s they make you buy at the souvenir stand. I like how hard Coburn and Parent play. It would maybe be Carcillo if he could score a GD goal.

After tonight’s loss in game 6, Luca Sbisa and the Lethbridge Hurricanes will play a 7th game against the favorite Saskatoon Blades in Saskatoon on Wednesday. Which means that when the Phantoms travel to Norfolk to take on the Admirals on Friday they could possibly have Luca Sbisa feeding James van Riemsdyk powerplay one-timers.

65 year old Mark Recchi somehow has 54 points this season. His highest scoring season ever? The year he was on the Crazy 8’s line with Brent Fedyk and rookie Eric Lindros. I wonder how many more 100 point seasons Recchi would have had if he hadn’t been traded to the Canadiens, and how much earlier in his Life Joh Leclair would have picked up a DUI.

BU 2, UNH 1

Now that’s how you end a college career! In the penalty box for hooking, watching Boston University’s powerplay end your team’s season with 15 seconds to go in the third.

The Phantoms have 7 regular season games left this season, and thanks to 2 wins this weekend appear to be a lock for the playoffs.

Number 21 is available and waiting.

As It Stands

Every morning at 5 AM my DVR records NHL on the Fly. When I’m getting ready for work, and more specifically when I’m eating my dozen waffles as the sun rises, I watch the Eastern Conference highlights from the previous night’s game. Lately, as would be suspected, they are very focused on the playoff race. They show this little portion of the standings that usually has the 7th through 9th seeds on it and a bar designating who’s currently in versus who’s currently out. No matter what order those teams are in I always end up thinking the same thing – what about the Flyers.

As a Philadelphia sports fan it’s in my nature to worry. The Phillies World Series Championship has done surprisingly little to quell that. When they show me the race to make it into the playoffs and don’t show the Flyers it worries me a bit. Now, I don’t believe in jinxes or any sort of hocus pocus having any hand in the Flyers destiny, but why must these producers taunt fate so frivolously? And it’s not just this show, it’s everywhere.

The Flyers are currently in 4th place, holding on to the last seed that gets home-ice advantage during the first round of the playoffs. And the question on every writer’s mind is whether or not they can hold on in that race for the 4th spot. Am I crazy to be worried about the 9th place Panthers who are only 7 points behind us? Two weeks ago the Hurricanes were in that 8th place playoff race and last night they were sitting ahead of us in the 4th seed before our game was completed. I’m well aware that we have games at hand on almost everyone in our Conference. But those games don’t mean anything if we don’t win them.

For the Flyers to not make the Playoffs all 5 teams directly below them in the standings would have to pass them. That means that the 9th place Panthers would have to get at least 8 points in their last 6 games. This is very possible and, in fact, likely. They have 2 games against the Thrashers, a game against the back-down-to-Earth Senators, and a 4 point swing contest against the Flyers. The Flyers would have to go 0-8 in their last two weeks of the season.

So this scenario is probably not going to happen. But could this one?

The Panthers run the board and win their last 6, ending the season with 97 points. The Flyers finish up the year with a depressingly pathetic 2-6 record, losing twice to the Rangers, once to the Leafs, to the Panthers themselves, to the B’s, and to either the Islanders or Senators. After last night I’m afraid that the answer to that question is scared but doubtful yes. It could happen. But the more important question is will it?

And that’s when I take a look at the roster and see Mike Richards (C), and calm down a bit. Just hearing that he tore into the room last night between the second and the third, and seeing the results of that tongue lashing, allows me to focus on and see that race for the last playoff spot for what it really is – a bunch of teams competing for the chance to get stomped by the Flyers on our way to the Stanley Cup Finals.

Flyers Gameday: From the bottom to the top.

After struggling much of yesterday to get the legs moving, the Flyers escaped with a dramatic 4-3 shootout win against the Islanders. Now, on a weird Sunday night game, the Flyers will be taking on the East's best in the Boston Bruins. The Bruins are looking for their 4th straight road victory after taking care of the Leafs last night in Toronto. Philly will be looking to keep pace with the rest of the teams underneath them. Carolina, the red headed stepchild of the East, is only one point behind Philadelphia. Tonight's game will be interesting, as the past games against the B's this year have been entertaining affiars. With Carcillo, Asham, Cote and Powe all dropping the gloves last night, I wouldn't look at tonight's game as a slugfest. I mean sure, the Bruins have uber-douche Zdeno Chara and the jagoff known as Shawn Thorton, oh yeah, and Milan Lucic. If Philly wants to drop the mitts, the Bruins will be ready. I'd love to see a Hartnell fight, trying to get all the non-wigged fans down in souf philly going nuts.

With both teams playing away games last night, it'll be interesting to see who comes out with the most jump. Nitty will be in net with Brion getting a much deserved night off. Hopefully Nitty can come in and really make some solid saves early to give the squad in front of him some confidence. With the grinders doing what they needed to until the snipers found their way yesterday, I'd look for much of the same tonight, with a total team effort going to get us the win.

Frankly, I'm not scared of the Bruins. They're good, but not scary good(yet). The Flyers matchup well against them. The Bruins are like Chuck Norris to the Flyers Bruce Lee. Both will land some bombs and look to be commanding the game, but once the Flyers do the reverse-somersault super high kick to the teeth...the Bruins will be done. It's a Sunday night game. Get on your jammies, set your alarm for tomorrow morning and open the last of the 30-pack from Friday night. To be the best, you gotta destroy the best. Let's Go Flyers.

4 Fights 4 Goals

If you’re a Flyers fan you have to like what you saw tonight, even though it probably gave you an unnecessary scare. This is the exact picture I want to see every time the Flyers are losing 2-0:

I’ve been a fence-sitter on most issues in my life that do not directly effect me. But I like fighting in hockey. At times it does seem a bit archaic. Some nights I see two guys squared off in a boxing match that looks like it should be an entirely separate sport if that’s what they want to do.

But when it comes down to brass tacks, and the Flyers are losing, I want to have guys who are willing to put their teeth on the line for 2 points. That’s why I’m a hockey fan in the first place.

Flyers Gameday: The bottom of the barrel

Tonight the Flyers are in Billy Joel's hood, taking on the last place NY Islanders. The Islanders, worst team in the league and divisional opponent of the Flyers, have been dominated this year by Philadelphia. Philly has beaten the Isles 8 straight times. Marty Biron has been dominant over the team, posting a 10 game winning streak. And I can sit here and type in tons of numbers, tons of stats and tons of stuff that won't matter as the puck is dropped. The truth is, regardless of talent or record, this is an inter-divisional battle with two teams that know each other well. New York blanked the Red Wings last night, backed by goalie Joey MacDonald's first career shutout. The Flyers, in their last match, frustratingly lost to Florida after chucking 40 shots at net. The Isles will certainly feel upbeat after last night's win, and will look to carry their mojo early on in the game.

The Isles are slowly putting together a solid core of players, and with the addition on John Tavares next year, and hopefully a new stadium soon, the team is working hard to win. I can't say for sure if this team stays on the Island. There is interest from other cities, especially Kansas City, so if the fans/owner/management want the team to stay, they better start acting like it. Maybe the addition of wunderkid Tavares next year will help reignite the fan base for games other than Rangers matchups. Be on the lookout for 3 underage forwards, Blake Comeau, Josh Bailey, and Kyle Okposo. These three are providing the Isles with some young enthusiams and even a goal once in awhile. For the Isles to have a shot tonight, these three will have to be carrying the offensive load. Besides that, they have a beatable defense and goalie. No wonder this team is in last place.

I really hope the Flyers aren't looking ahead to Sunday's matchup with the B's. Philly has to come out and dominate early. I'm looking at some role-players to step up and give the offensive leaders a night off perhaps. Sure, Carter owns the Isles whenever he plays them, but I'd love to see a Carcillo goal, or even better: a mutherflippin' Joffrey Lupul goal! I feel like that guy has been invisible the past month. He is checking a lot more nowadays, but he's getting paid dollas to bury the puck and I want him to pot one tonight. So I'm calling out Lupul tonight. Impress me. I don't care if it's with a stick, arm, skate or your giant butt, put a damn puck in the net. As usual, most of my time will be spent watching Claude Giroux, and I'd love to see some matchups between him and Okposo. Two young stars in the making who might be playing against each other for years to come. Of course, X, who after doing one self-pass is getting referred to as Peter Forsberg...and listen, I love the guy too. But maybe for once we don't overhype our young talent to the point where they play themselves out of town for not living up to bloated expectations. (I'm looking at you Tony SanFillilpillillio). Claude Giroux is the future, lets let him get there when he's ready...and hopefully that means scoring 6 goals tonight.

Playoff positioning is on the line tonight. Can't take the other team from NYC lightly. This game is going to be good, maybe it's the afternoon booze talking, but I'm already pumped for the puck drop. Let's Go Flyers.

The Plump Dumpling

As I said earlier this week, and never thought I’d say ever in my life, I dig the Arron Asham signing. I am looking forward to him being on our 4th line next season. 7 goals, 8 assists, and almost 150 penalty minutes is a great stat line for a guy who earns a little over one percent of your team’s payroll. I found myself wondering “why did I hate this guy so much?” earlier today. And then I stumbled upon these clips, and remembered very quickly why I was anxious about this signing back in the summer.

Have a good Friday night. Make sure you crush it before it crushes you:

Asham and Richards Part 1


Asham and Richards Part 2


Asham and Cote Part 1


Asham and Cote Part 2

Can't Win 'em All

It's funny to watch a Flyers game and actually be waiting for them to win. It seemed like it was just a matter of time last night, but then time ran out. What really sucks is we could've had 11 points between us and the 9th place seed, and now we only have 7. Either way down the stretch we need to win games. A couple observations from last night:

- I like Carcillo's fire. He looked like he actually wanted to fight Campbell of the draw. I really like how he starts his fights swinging and not grabbing - it's exciting. Did anyone catch him glaring across the ice after he tricked the ref into giving David Booth a high-sticking penalty? They cut to him sitting on the bench and he was shooting shit lasers directly across the ice at Booth sitting in the box. It looked like something might be wrong with him. And I liked it.

I'd like him to bury one soon. Before it becomes an issue.

- I couldn't decide what I thought of Ballard's hit on Hartnell. It didn't surprise me that Hartnell took exception to it, and I wouldn't have given it a second thought, if it weren't for Powe. Darrell Powe seems like a fairly level-headed character, and it was pretty obvious he thought that was a cheap hit. Where I landed on the issue is that it was a little low, more knee than thigh, but not a big deal. Where the Panther's announcer landed was an entirely different place...

- The color guy on the Panthers was just awful to listen to. He never stopped bitching about the penalties after the Ballard hit! Even in the third period he brought it up! If you were watching in Philly what you missed was the Panthers guy calling for a game misconduct for Powe for 3rd man in. Uh..third man in to what? A guy roughing a guy? That's called a scrum, guy. Later in the game he went on to say, not insinuate, that the Flyers commit so many penalties that it would be impossible for the refs to call/catch them all, so some have to be let go. All of you who live in Philly and get to hear Jim Jackson on a nightly basis don't know how good you have it.

- From what I saw wig night looked be a little less cool than advertised. I think it's a case of an idea sounding a lot cooler than it ever could actually turn out. The showed a couple clips of groups of 2 or 3 dudes standing around in a wig staring at warm-ups. I was picturing a wig-clad madhouse with wigs, coke, and free beer everywhere! Or something. Not 1 in every 8 people wearing a kind of stupid looking wig. I'm actually surprised to see some entrepreneur doesn't have that collector's item already on ebay.

Sidenote: Has anyone noticed how slutty Yahoo! has gotten? Try to go to the Flyers Team page at Yahoo! Sports and pray your boss doesn't swing by and offer you the last donut. They have these ads that look like you're video chatting a hooker. Not good for business fellas.

Flyers Gameday: They're just big pussiecats

Tonight the Flyers take on the Floirda Panthers down at the Wach. In the playoff race Philly has solidified their position whereas Florida has watched it drop, after 3 losses in a row. Florida is two points out of 8th place and will be a hungry team tonight. Too bad these suckers don't know about Scott Hartnell Wig Night. Something tells me the Flyers are going to be really loose, and play some great hockey. If there is one game I'd like to check out warmups for, this would be it. I'd like to see who the goofballs are, wearing a wig skating around the ice. I'd like to see Birddog flying around without his helmet on, probably getting a huge cheer.

Quick pregame question: If Scott Hartnell nets a hat trick, does everyone throw the fake hair onto the ice? Would that be the funniest thing I've seen all year? How can we make sure this happens? That has to make ESPN's top plays right?

Regardless of the game, Jay Boumeester will see what it woulda been like to play in a hockey-crazed city. Where we missed out on him at the deadline (which was not his doing, but you know), after tonight he'll understand why he wants to get out of Florida. He'll look up at the 5,000 people wearing funny fake hair and wonder what it would be like to play in a city where people were so passionate. My hope is that he breaks down on the ice and cries about playing on the Panthers just long enough for Jeff Carter to swoop around him and go top cheese on Craig Anderson. Either that or for Simon Gagne to give him a concussion and then leave the ice to the Degeneration-X theme music.

This is one game I'm personally looking forward to having the away team broadcast on Center Ice. The Panthers announcer, Randy Moller, has some pretty awesome goal calls. Only, I doubt he'll be whipping up the comedy-machine when Claude Giroux pots his second of the night. Much like my sinus infection, the Panthers suck. I don't have anything else to say about Florida. They are vanilla's vanilla...plain janes. I can't get excited about watching Radek Dvorak or even Nate Horton. Although It will be really funny to laugh at Steve Eminger again. The former Cap/Flyer/Lighting has been on 4 clubs in 2 years, and was once a 1st round draft pick. Dude can barely skate better than me, and I really hope he falls flat on his ass tonight. There is no way the Southeast should be sending 3 teams to the playoffs. The Southeast sucks.

If the Flyers play like they did on Sunday/Monday, they win this game easily. Home crowd should be buzzing tonight. If it's the Jekyll/Hyde team, then this desperate Panthers club will stick around for most of the game. The Flyers foot is on the Panthers throat. All they need to do is keep it there. Let's Go Flyers.

Win a Date with a Flyer!

I was just thinking about how I am by far the sluttiest dressed person in this building. And it's quite the accomplishment, as this building is 44 stories tall and is home (work) to probably about 5,000 people. It's difficult to do, especially with the restraints implied by the Business Dress setting, but there's a lot of tightness involved. It's my only weapon really. Having to wear a suit and tie everyday doesn't leave much room for sexy. The mesh shirts have gotten me in trouble in the past so I try to stay away from them. When showing skin is not an option the only other way to maintain the sexy is to make it tight.

So I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass doors (bullshit! I was checking myself out for like 10 minutes!) and I noticed how sexy I was looking. And I thought, Randy Jones would look good in this silver suit and clear tie/maroon turtle neck combination. But then I thought maybe it would look better on Jeff Carter. And then I thought if they should probably have a walk off. Am I right?

But this strikes at an even bigger question - who is the sexiest flyer? who is the grossest? But there also has to be a competition for good-looking, which is way different than hot, right? Anyway, before I knew it I was typing with 11 fingers. And I liked the audience participation yesterday - it was like Whose Line is it Anyway up in this piece (the British version that was home when I got home from school in my early teens, not Drew Carey). So here's our picks...for our..categories?

Flyer You'd Most Like to Bang Your Wife
There's a lot of emotions in this one. I'd want her to have a good time, but I wouldn't want to be jealous. And there's no way I'm giving her to Daniel Carcillo. I think in the end jealousy won:
1. Danny Briere
2. Marty Biron
3. Braydon Coburn

Hottest Flyer
Lay up.
1. RJ Jones
2. Jeff Carter
3. Kimmo Timonen

Flyer You'd Take Home to Your Mom and Larry
1. Claude Giroux
2. Darrel Powe (A Princeton Grad!)
3. Nitty (his not speaking English might be useful)

Flyer That Spends the Most Time Humping His Computer
The biggest dirtballs on the team without a doubt.
1. Daniel Carcillo
2. Joffrey Lupul
3. Andrew Alberts

Flyer That Would Leave You Wanting More in A Round of Speed Dating
1. Star of the hour, Scott Hartnell
2. Mike Knuble
3. Riley Cote

Did I miss any important rounds? Anything you'd change?

ps - It doesn't make you gay to know RJ Jones is a hot man. What would make you gay is to put your genitals in his butt.

Scott Hartnell: Man of the People

In case you were wondering what Scott Fartsmell, Hartnell thought about the upcoming promotion involving fans wearing replicas wigs of his red-fro, here you go. This guy is going to go down as one of the most liked Flyers of all time. Birddog does everything, from mucking it up, scoring goals, fighting when needed to, chirping at the opposition, no-look passes and having a laugh. People say we overpaid for him (I'm looking at you, John Buccigross) but I don't see it that way. He has the most points of his career this year and can be inserted into numerous situations. He has carved out a role on a team stacked up front and with a player very similiar to him in Mike Knuble. Hartnell is a top 6 forward that I want on the team for years to come. Seriously, they are giving out replica afros of the same guy who threw his glove at Ryan Malone when he was on a breakaway. And if you don't think I'm dressing up as Scott Hartnell come October 31st, well you got another thing coming mister...

Do You Remember....

When Danny Briere had 3 goals and 6 assists against us in 6 games during our short-lived 2006 post-season? Do you remember when you wanted to wring his little French Canadian neck? More specifically, do you remember this goal in the second overtime of game one that basically started us off on an 18 month journey to rebuild our team and image?



Dennis Gauthier - this isn't pick up basketball so why are you playing man on man?

Just keep this goal in mind next time you're booing Sidney Crosby. Because come the Fall of 2013 you might be cheering for him.

Wish List

It's strange how the season can feel so long yet I'm always surprised when it's drawing to a close. The Flyers, amazingly enough, have played 72 of their 82 games already. Seems like just yesterday Richie was squaring off against Brandon Dubinsky in his first game as captain. But alas, we are reaching the end.

The Flyers finished last season with a record of 42-29-11 and 95 points. During their last 10 games during the 2007-08 season they went 7-2-1, and needed every point they got to climb to 6th in a desperately close playoff race. This season they already have 40 wins and 10 bonus points, and while I certainly will not assume they are definitely going to make the playoffs, they have 9 points and a game at hand on the 9th place Panthers (who seem to be the only team still interested in entering the pool of 8).

So I thought now would be a safe time to look at a couple personal goals that I'd like to see this season:

1. This is a huge number 1. I'd sacrifice all that's below for this one. I'd like to see Jeff Carter get 50 goals. I know this is a long shot, especially when you consider that he's only scored in 5 of his last 20 games. But if he's truly as streaky a player as some claim he is, I think it's about time he get on a goal scoring one.

2. Mike Richards only needs one more point to tie his career high which was set last year in only 73 games, but I'd like to see him hit that mid-80 point mark. You might recognize some guys that finished around there last year - Ilya Kovalchuk, Martin St. Louis, Dany Heatley, Marion Gaborik, Eric Staal, Ryan Getzlaf. Richie would finally get the offensive credit he deserves, and could possibly even land the NHL '09 cover with a point total like that.

3. Kimmo Timonen is in no danger of reaching his career high in points, which is 55. But I'd like to see him pot a couple more goals before the year ends. Right now he has three, which would be the fewest he's scored in his NHL career. I know he's probably one of the most valuable defenseman in the league, but I don't want to have to hear about his decrease in offensive production next season when I'm watching the away feed every game.

4. Arron Asham has, and it pains me a bit to say this, been a great signing. He's increased his point production by 50%, played responsible defense, and has been quick to drop the mitts with opponents of all sizes. I'd like to see him get 2 or 3 more goals before the year closes out.

5. Right now Riley Cote and Daniel Carcillo are number 2 and 4 in fighting majors in the league. Riles' knows his season is really winding down in the next 2 1/2 weeks while Carcillo knows that Scottie Upshall has 7 points in Phoenix to Carcillo's 3 in Philly. I'd like to see them both send a message to the Rangers and Bruins, specifically, before the playoffs start. And hopefully finish #1 and #2 in the league. Yes, I want the media to call us the Bullies and maybe have a point.

6. Martin Biron won 31 games for the Sabres in 2001-02, but he also lost 28. This year I'd like to see him eclipse that mark by winning 7 of the remaining 10 games, for a new career high.

7. I'd like to see Luca Sbisa play at least 1 more game in a Flyers jersey before the playoffs, just to give someone a rest. For some reason the Hurricanes thought it'd be fun to win game 2 and delay his return. Now the soonest he can be done with juniors is on Saturday.

8. Mike Knuble has hit the 30 goal mark twice in his career. And not since the first season after the lock out. Claude Giroux just might be the center to get him over that mark. Scott Hartnell is also very close to the 30 goal club. If he keeps crashing the net he just might get there.

9. Danny Briere has 14 points in 18 games. If he could finish the season with over 27 points it would be amazing, and it would erase all the issues he's put the team through from fans' minds for good.

10. I would like it not to be a requirement that when you start listing things you have to end up with 10.

And now I venture into the ever-dangerous ask the readers and don't get any comments territory...but, anyway...what would you like to see? Nitty win 10 in a row? Riley Cote get a hat trick? Simon Gagne reach 1,000 points?

The Danger in Fighting

We had an intern here at FGSB last summer, which in retrospect didn't really make sense because we took most of the summer off. Regardless, she was here, and she was annoying. Joke was on her though because blogs on blogspot actually can't give college credit, which is why she's stuck in Quito this semester taking 7 classes. Only real dot-com blogs can do that. Anyway, she always used to say how stupid fighting in the NHL was. Not because she didn't like a good bar room brawl, or because she was afraid someone would get hurt, but because she didn't think the guys were actually punching each other. Needless to say I made it my job to show her as many gruesome fights with clearly connecting punches as possible. If there was blood involved it was even better. She eventually realized that even though there were distractions such as helmets, jerseys being pulled, and elbow pads flying all over the place, indeed these giant men were punching each other in the face as hard as they could.

If she were still alive, however, last night she would have had a great counter argument. Because last night Riley Cote got his ass kicked...or did he? Upon first viewing I chalked up another gigantic Riley Cote loss on the gigantic chalk board we keep in the office just for keeping track of Riley Cote fights. But upon further review of this slow motion replay....I might give this one to Rockin' Riles:



Riles lands what looks to be the best punch of the fight with his very first left. His second looks dramatic but it only hits Rupp in the upper chest. Rupp then proceeds to launch about 14 punches, 3 of which hit Cote directly in the ear and one that looks like it might have landed, but is hard to see because of straight from behind angle. Right after that Cote pops Rupp square in the face again. And then.....

And then....

When they get tied up, I swear to God, it looks like Rockin' Riles buckles Rupp with a punch under his armpit that hits Rupp directly in the chin. He collapses to the ice.

Regular speed - obvious Rupp win. Slow motion? Riley Cote TKO. Which would make the danger in fighting being that flurries of wild punches can make it look like you lost when you really won.

Since I know squat about hockey fighting I've called in our expert consultant, the Reading Royals own Matt Herneisen, to give us some analysis in the comments below. Matt?

Corporate Finance: Year over Year

The Flyers ended the 2007-08 season with zero players in the top 20 in scoring. Right now they have three - Mike Richards (74), Jeff Carter (73), and Simon Gagne (69). This hints at a significant increase in offensive production, but like a hint of lemon in my zesty pico de gallo it may be misleading. Projecting out the averages over 72 games this season the Flyers stand to finish the year with 262 Goals Forr versus 245 last season. That's a 7% increase - not bad. But if you want to look that the full picture, to see if they are a truly better team this season in terms of goal differential (understanding these numbers can be influenced by 5-on-5 play versus special teams and things like Simon Gagne's 32 penalty shots this season) you also have to take a look at the Goals Against column.

The Flyers are projected to give up about 229 goals this season versus 227 last season - status quo. But when you bring the two numbers together you get the full picture. Although they are giving up relatively the same amount of goals this season they are getting a few more for themselves. Last season the Flyers goal differential was 18 (245 GF vs 227 GA) and this year it's 33 (262 GF vs 229 GA). That's a decent improvement, especially when you consider how many times we've been short-handed, although maybe our 16 short-handed goals counter the negative effects of taking more penalties this year. Either way, we've improved our differential by 15 goals this season, but that's only good enough for 10th in the league. Check it out:

How about those Bruins, eh? I guess that's how you move from 8th in the Conference to 1st in one season. They've improved their defense and given up 20 less goals but their offense has just exploded this year and looks to get about 60 more goals than last year. Those 60 goals are probably directly attributable to Blake Wheeler (18), Michael Ryder (25), and the formerly slumbering David Krejci (21).

Atlanta's not going to make the playoffs, but they seem to have shown significant improvement.

More importantly, how about those Canadiens and Rangers? They've really dropped off this season. And I think we all not so secretly love it.

Let's hope Jeff Carter can somehow get 10 in 10 and boost our production through the moon! Watch out Calgary and St. Louis, we're coming for ya!

The One Where We Come Clean

The Philadelphia Flyers are the best hockey team in the fucking universe. I know earlier in the season we’ve done such things as float the idea that maybe Simon Gagne should be traded, shell the human point machine Danny Briere, and give Marty a hard time for, well, being Marty. But we were wrong. Alive wrong.

We’ve been critical of the Flyers "wear them down by letting them take 70 shots" system that’s difficult to watch. We’ve given Riley Cote a lot of shit for not fighting anymore. And lately our wrath has had no limits, and even extended into the front office. Well we’ve got news for you. The only crime Paul Holmgren is guilty of is assembling an intergalactic hockey death squad. A team so good that if the Next Generation was actually real they would take the Flyers, exactly as they were tonight, and have them play the best hockey teams from other universes. Other All Star hockey teams from other universes because face it, the teams from those regular leagues wouldn’t stand a chance.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they called the season tomorrow and gave the Flyers the Stanley Cup, Mike Richards the Selke Trophy, Martin Biron the Vezina, and Claude Giroux the Calder. We all know that Jeff Carter should probably get the Rocket Richard trophy no matter how many players have more goals than him. Because here’s the real question – how many Canadians have more goals than him. Exactly. You know what? The IIHF might even call off the Olympics and just give the gold, silver, and bronze to the boys in black and orange.

Only two more games in the way until we get to take on another top team in the conference. If the Panthers and Islanders even show up for the games they have scheduled against us I can’t imagine how easy it’s going to be. Let me save you some suspense -No, no one’s going to get a short-handed goal against us. Yes, we’re going to take 16 penalties and kill of most of them. Yes, we’re going to go ass crazy on the powerplay. Yes, we’ll give up between 200-300 shots. No, we won’t lose.

All over the internet this morning you’ll be reading about how the Flyers have finally gelled and are turning into a real contender. A duh. That’s what happens when you’re the best team ever assembled and are also on god-damned fire.

We admit we were wrong when we wrote a pissy post after the Red Wings game. The Flyers are the best around. And no one’s ever gonna keep them down.

There’s only one question left – what day is the parade? And will it stop at every Wawa in the city?

Flyers Gameday: Rivalry week continues

There are so many good games this time of year. Everything is an intense affair. Nothing is better than playing our rivals, and tonight, the Flyers get another tough test in the New Jersey Devils. NJ has been their regular selves this year, giving the Flyers fits, and making it very hard for the Flyers to pick up points on them. It's not hard to see why. NJ is put together well, coached well by the scariest man in hockey, and gets great effort every night from their players. I look at New Jersey and Detroit as having the most solid lineup, from top to bottom, giving NJ the nod for best lineup due to the net-cutting fatso they put in net. What's great about the Flyers is how well their lineup can adapt to any opposition they may face. They did an excellent job shutting down the Pens yesterday, and will have to set up a different game plan to stop the Devils, one that involves less turnovers, and alot more puck possession. The Flyers can run with anyone, shut down anyone and be just as physical as anyone. I think tonight is a night we see the Flyers full range of talents. From great rushes, a sustained forecheck, some bruising hits, open mouth kissing, solid defense and good goaltending.

Marty Biron, fresh off a stellar performance in Pittsburgh gets the nod again tonight. He deserves it, as he is really playing well right now. Since the Flyers love being out shot, we need him on his game from here on out. He can steal games for us, keep us in a close game and can really get the home crowd going if he plays the way he did yesterday. Opposing him will probably be the best goalie of all time, Martin Broduer. He loves beating the Flyers, but he also loves banging his wife's sister, so you never know what to expect from the guy (expect a lot of saves). The key to Broduer, if there is one, I think is to rattle him. Make him uncomfortable and not able to see the shots he's going to face. Get Hartnell and Knuble to take up residence in the Hotel Del Crease tonight and have them book an extended stay. It'll be great to hear opposing chants of "Marty! Marty! Marty!" and "Maaaarrrteeee, Maaaaarrrrteeeee" tonight and lets hope those leisure suit wearing Versus announcers know the difference between the two. Seriously those pinstripe suits Joe Beninati wear look drawn on with chalk...does anyone in the NHL know about clothing stores other than Filene's Basement?

Two guys I'm paying close attention to tonight is Riley Cote and Daniel Carcillo. For Cote, his season is winding down, as his "skills" won't be required for a playoff run. It'll be interesting to see how he handles the last few games against the Atlantic Division, especially with some many willing combatants playing for NJ. Can Rockin' Riles turn around a mediocre fighting record in the next 3 weeks? Can he literally punch off David Clarkson's eyebrows? God I hope so. As for Carcillo, he's looked okay out there since joining the Flyers. I can't say I've been overly impressed with him, but I also think some of the calls that go against him are unjust. It also seems like the linesmen are always on his back, and he can't get anything going at all. I'd like him to contribute offensively tonight, maybe picking up a greasy assist to X while getting physical at the right times. It'll be interesting to see how he plays tonight, as he continues to play with Richie and Lups.

So if Monday hasn't been so great to you today, and you are missing the past weekend, fear not my friends. For tonight, we have hockey. We have a great match up down at the Wach. Mike Richards will be there. So will the voluptuous Chris Simpson. Hell, even the fat dancing guy will be there. Will you??? Let's Go Flyers.

Mike Richards: Exhibit 45(c)

Back to our point from last week, Mike Richards is the gold standard in the NHL for delivering body-rocking, clean hits on guys who are not aware of their surroundings.

He didn't even really do much on this one against Pascale Dupuis. This is just an example of simple physics taking over and catapulting Dupuis into the boards like someone who owes Malakai money in Save the Last Dance.



Mike Richards, our captain and leading scorer, is also the most dangerous player on the ice. Even when he's on the bench.

Perfect Weekend

What a great and perfect weekend by the Flyers. Two regulation wins against two opponents in the heat of the Eastern Conference playoff race. What a huge 4 points for the club, who went into Friday night's game with 84 points, which is good enough for 7th place in East tonight. If the Flyers were sitting in 7th place right now I'd be calling for John Stevens' left testicle and Paul Holmgren's right, but instead we are in a good position to at least make the playoffs and hopefully earn home ice for a round.

We're now 8 points ahead of 9th place Florida with 11 games to play. If we win 7 of them they can't touch us. We're 12 points ahead of Buffalo who lost considerable ground this weekend with regulation losses to Danny Briere and the Rangers. The Senators have amazingly gone 15-6-3 since their coaching change and are on a 9-1-0 run. They are long shots for the playoffs but could spell trouble for the Panthers, Hurricanes, and/or the all but dead Canadiens if they keep finding a way to win.

But back to the Flyers. We have at least a game at hand against everyone in the Conference. We have two games against the Islanders and two against the Maple Leafs. A serious playoff contender should get at least 6 of those possible 8 points. We have the division leading Devils and Bruins. We have the new Sens. And we have the Panthers and Rangers twice each. If we take a pragmatic approach to the remainder of the schedule we should get somewhere around 14 points in the remaining 11 games. That would be good enough for the most points the franchise has seen since the 2002-03 season when we finished up the regular season with 107.

A win tomorrow night against the Devils would be a great way to start this final stretch. Three weeks and eleven games until the city of Philadelphia is back in the post-season.

Flyers Gameday: The Playoff Push

The next chapter in the great cross-state rivalry between the Flyers and Penguins takes place today, right around the time most of you will be waking up from your Keith Primeau-filled dreams. Today's game in Pittsburgh is the last of the regular season between the two clubs, with Pittsburgh winning the season series so far 4-1. The Pens have been on a tear since throwing Michelle TerryAnn under the bus, going 10-0-2 in their last 12 games. They are playing some excellent two-way hockey and their powerplay, once a thorn in their side, has come alive with the play of Malkin, Guerin and Gonchar. Yes, in case you weren't paying attention, the Penguins somehow added Bill Guerin and decent scorer Chris Kunitz to their roster, and both players are doing a great job of becoming hated rivals. It's hard to hate on a guy like Guerin, but when I see him hugging Sidney Crosby or trying to tell a knock-knock joke to Malkin, well I can't help but get fired up.

About a month ago, it was very fun to laugh at the Pens, looking at them as underachieving jokes that might miss the playoffs. Now you can't help but feel like they're back to playing up to their potential. Anytime the Flyers and Penguins play, you can't help but feel the energy ooze out of the TV. With both teams tied for 4th place and battling for home-ice advantage, two points here goes a long way to achieving that goal. These games take on a different meaning than just two points. There is bad blood on both ends of the ice, and the chippiness seems to reach an intense level as soon as the game starts. The Flyers certainly have the physical advantage against the Pens, who are a bit more of a finesse team(read:pussies). Philly can dictate the game by controlling the tempo to be a tough, bruising affair. Finishing checks, crashing the net and making the Penguins react faster than normal will win them this game. If the Flyers get into a footrace with the talented Pens, they'll be chasing, dumping, icing and taking bad penalties all day. That being said, penalties and special teams will be a very important part of the game. Giving the Pens too many powerplays, especially at home, is a terrible idea. If the Flyers want to take a penalty, either bring someone with you to the box or make it a roughing call. I don't want to see hooks or trips out there. You know Hartnell will be getting 2 min somehow, one just hopes it's for punching Crosby in the teeth. As for the Flyers powerplay, Claude Giroux looked great against Buffalo and Danny Briere raised some eyebrows so it will be interesting to watch how those two play on the PP and what impact they have on the game.

The Flyers are coming off an impressive win in Buffalo. I don't want to say only one player needs to step up to get us a win. Today's game will again be a tough test and will require a total team effort. Sure, Mike Richards and Jeff Carter need to be up to the task of carrying the offensive load, and Kimmo Timmonen will probably play 58 minutes today, but the whole team needs to contribute. Big checks from Asham, great kills by Powe, punching fools by Cote, assists by Gagne and solid D from Coburn. Everyone needs to show up, and help decimate the Pens.

For all the cockroach Penguin fans out there who were in hiding in February, their douchey-ness is certainly prevalent now. Even though they have already won the season series, and the Flyers have 3 games in hand, it's about fucking time the Flyers make the Pens pay...in Shitsburgh.

Game of the Week...Hated Rival...You are a Flyers fan because of days like today. Let's Go Flyers...

Random Reason to Hate the Rangers

As if bringing back Sean Avery weren’t enough, here’s another reason to hate the Rangers – they’re the L.A. Galaxy of the NHL. Now, I’m not sure exactly what that means as I don’t follow the MSL, but my point is that they are a bunch of high profile rental players who are known more as members of other teams than as Rangers. Think about it. Who is on the Rangers? Gomez, Drury, Redden, Naslund, Zherdev? A Devil, Sabre, Senator, Canuck, and a Blue Jacket. It makes sense that they’d pick up some big name guy like Antropov, who will forever be known as a Maple Leaf.

The guys that you could even claim to be actual Rangers are their second and third year players. This is Dubinsky’s and Marc Staal’s second season, Callahan’s first, and Prucha and Dawes’…oh wait. They shipped those two off to Phoenix for a guy who will go down in the books as a Coyote. Right.

Not one guy on their team was a Ranger before the lockout. Isn’t that a joke? Jagr could have been but he didn’t want to stay in the continent much less the league after being handled by the Rangers organization. Their longest tenured skaters are Colton Orr, Michal Rozsival, and Blair Betts. It’s sad when a guy with 11 points over 4 years, the head of the NHL’s terrorist organization, and a dude named after a lady are the heart and soul of your team.

Losses Will Help the Flyers

Someday soon I hope to root for Luca Sbisa and James VanRiemsdyk as they streak up and down the ice wearing orange, making big hits and scoring big goals. Some day next week actually. Which is why I am willing to root against them for as long as it takes. Both Sbisa's and JVR's amateur teams have made it to their respective league's post-season tournament, and both teams start that journey this weekend. Sbisa's case is a bit more literal.

Luca Sbisa could be in a Flyers jersey again as soon as Thursday's game against the Panthers. That's if all goes as planned. Planned by me. Sbisa's 7th place Hurricanes (75 pts) are taking on the 2nd place Blades (103 pts) in the first round of the WHL playoffs, with the first game taking place tonight. If they get swept, and I pray to Joe Pesci that they do, the Hurricanes 2008-09 season will be over on Wednesday night, which means that Luca would be eligible to return to the pro ranks. And if RJ Jones is still hurt next week, I could see Sbisa getting the nod over Danny Syvret and the apparently missing Lasse Kukkonen (no one wanted him on waivers? come on!) If RJ is back Sbisa might end up pulling a Briere and playing with the Phantoms, before he would eventually come up to the Flyers for the playoffs, when roster size allowance is increased to include sexually active teenagers.

Riemer is a bit of a different story. Always with this kid.

This Sunday at 11:30am make sure to tune your television set to ESPN 2 for the announcement of the 2009 NCAA Men’s Ice Hockey Championship field. And more importantly, a list of James Van Riemsdyk's final three college opponents. Hopefully. If the Wildcats can't win this regional portion of the National Championships their season would be over as well. But who the shit knows what National Honor Society inductee James Von Ramsdyk wants to do. I'm afraid what he wants to do is stay in college and finish out the year smoking pot and facebooking with his cool college buddies. What I hope is that this dipstick wants to play some mother fucking pro hockey and drops out of school like every decent senior in the country will be doing in the next couple weeks. Most of those guys will go to the ECHL or CHL, and some will go to the A if they're lucky. But if we have room to sign that big, giant pansy then he could be wearing orange and purple in a number of weeks.

Wow - I just reread that and noticed a severe change in tone when I started talking about Sir van Riemsdyk. You know why? Because I'm already getting ready to root against this punk not just during the NCAA Championships, but forever. Harder than A-Rod, Lance Bass, J.D. Drew, and Von Hayes combined. I have no doubt in my mind that he's going to Blake Wheeler us right up our a-holes. This kid is supposed to be the Bobby Ryan we never got. Yeah, the Rangers fan who won't come play for us. The fruit of our worst season in franchise history. Our highest pick since we picked Mel Bridgman 1st overall in 1975. The great white hope of the Flyers, who's currently sleeping through his Intro to Micro Economics class.

Obama targets AIG, Danny Briere.

Washingtion, DC - Today at the White House's underground hockey rink, President Obama spoke to media, addressing many issues plaguing the American Economy. Aside from bashing AIG and their questionable distribution of million dollar bonuses to executives, President Obama also took on Danny Briere, questioning why a guy who makes 6 million dollars a year can be playing, in the President's words, "so full of horse shit". "Look, we need to be responsible and diligent as Americans, that sneaky French Canadians aren't stealing our money. If a person is going to get 6 million US dollars from the hard working people of Philadelphia, we expect him to generate points and win the Flyers some games, not cause Flyers fans to want to tear their hair out." The outburst surprised some reporters at the Presidential Rink, named "Buchanan's Barn" after President James Buchanan's infamous wrister. The reporters were also intrigued that President Obama had replaced the Oval Office with a skate shop and hired Joss Ackland to reprise his role of Hans from 'The Mighty Ducks' to be Obama's new Secretary of Puck Bunnies.

As President Obama skated around the freshly groomed ice, he began running through plays, and showing the reporters how easy it was to score goals. "I barely make 200k and I can snipe the puck, and you look at Briere and you question his work ethic and his desire" Obama stated. "This is not what the country needs right now. To get out of this recession, everyone needs to pull their own weight, not sip Merlots and complain about playing with Riley Cote. " President Obama briefly mentioned he'd be honored "centering" Riley Cote, as he is "As American as you can get...just look at his tattoos and infinity to hard rock."

"I look for hard working American's to right the ship for these slacking Canadians, and for men like John Stevens to get Danny Briere the tools he needs to get his shit in order." Obama concluded the brief media session with a slapshot off the post, and with encouraging words to Philadelphia Flyers fans. "Fear not Philadelphia. Yes, it's true we are in a mess. A mess of extremely frustrating performances, and the unknown of whether or not your team will show up on a day to day basis, but I know that the Flyers will get through this and bring home a playoff berth." When reached for comment about why Simon Gagne can't seem to bury the puck anymore, President Obama stopped, shot the puck and then gave the reporter a Stone Cold Steve Austin Stunner before putting his cigarette out on his unconscious body.

10 Points that Got Away

We could have won Tuesday's game against the Red Wings, but there's no way we should have. The Red Wings are a great team that is going to make another run at the cup and we just did not play well. But, there are a number of games that we should have won this season against much weaker opponents and simply did not. We either didn't feel like playing that night or just blew it. I'm feeling very negatively about the Flyers lately, and I'm a miserable person, so I'm going to focus on the ones that got away.

Blue Jackets, December 27th, 3-0 Loss
This was the 2nd act of the horrible start to our longest road trip of the year. The Blue Jackets are shaping up to be a playoff team, so they're by no means pushovers, but we made Steve Mason in this one. We gave up a powerplay goal and 33 shots to our pathetic 20 in this "game." I guess the ass-kicking the Hawks gave us the night before left us a little to sad to play in Ohio.

Lightning, January 15th, 4-1 Loss
An excellent example of the 2nd period problems we have been trying to bury all year. You'll remember this one as the game you were enjoying until you noticed the puke on your coffee table after the Bolts scored 3 goals in 2:03. And that was that.

Blues, January 31st, 4-0 Loss
A lot of people were saying that our 5-1 loss to the Flames was the worst game of the season, but I beg to differ. The Flames were riding high off some trade deadline deals and we were....not. This loss to the Blues however, oh man did it suck. Easily the worst game I've watched in the past two years. Asham had a great fight in the first period when the Flyers were already losing 1-0, and it was certainly all downhill from there. The Blues added another even strength goal and two powerplay goals before the game was over. Mike Richards was involved in his third fight in a row where he did not land a punch (in his last 4 fights he's thrown 9 punches and landed none), which was a great measure of the desire the Flyers had to win that night.

Senators, February 12th, 5-2 Loss
It was 3-0 going into the third before we realized there was a hockey game going on. The only saving grace was a goal by the Powe-r House. This game was kind of like watching a bowl of Shredded Wheat dissolve as you wait to eat the mush left behind.

Penguins, February 21st, 5-4 Loss
Marty, Marty, Marty - why are you more bipolar than my Aunt Nicole who just went down to Daytona Beach for spring break at the ripe old age of 47? These last three games you've been stellar. Against the Pens you did not play well and then handed them our two points. I'm not blaming anything on you, 'cause you know I love you, but if we miss the playoffs by two points I'm going to fucking kill you.

Your Briere Debacle(?) Update

The three guys we lost trying to get Danny Briere back in the line-up have had not so different fortunes since arriving in their new homes. Scottie Upshall has been playing Scottie Upshall hockey and has 4 points in 7 games for the Coyotes, which is above his career average but will settle back in after he goes scoreless in his next two games. Ossi Vaananen hasn't dressed for the Canucks yet, even though they seemed so anxious to drag him across North America and out of our Flyer hearts forever. And Glen Metropolit has managed one goal in his first 9 games with the Habs. And here it is:



Wonder who he learned that celebration from? Apparently he took it to Montreal with him, because it hasn't been used in Philadelphia in a long, long time.

Analysis of Detroit Game: For Science

As a hockey blog we can't always write about the smell of pee and or our homo-erotic dreams where Prince sings Purple Rain to us while dressed in a John Leclair jersey. Sometimes we gotta get all hockey on your ass. An that time is right now.

The Flyers lost last night for the same reason they have lost every game this season. They are a horrible defensive club. You only need to look at one stat. Not face-offs, not offsides, not goals per game. The Flyers give up the 5th most shots per game in the league. That's good enough to land this 4th place team among the Lightning, Thrashers, and Islanders, who are all already competing for the services of John Tavares next season. Last night they gave up 48 shots to the Red Wings. That is an embarrassment to every guy on the team. And it comes down to one of three things, or maybe a combination:

- Lack of effort
- Systems
- Mentality

Lack of effort
You don't need to be 6'6 to win battles in the corner. Kimmo does it all the time. And you don't need to be Gordie Howe to put a break out pass on someone's stick. You need to concentrate and use your limited energy wisely. I've never seen a team that has to resort to chopping the puck out as often as the Flyers. Rattling it up the boards once in a while is fine. Every clearing attempt is not.

This goes for both ends though. The Flyers forecheck has been weak all year. They're not getting there with urgency, or at all. Which brings me to my next point.

Systems
The Flyers play this cross-breed trap/zone and strong puck-side pressure that leaves opposing players open all over the ice. The offensive zone, the neutral zone, the defensive zone - it doesn't matter. They're not in the right place at the right time. They're not in the passing lanes. And I don't know how they manage to do it, but the forwards are so worried about getting burned low in the high slot that they are willing to leave the opposition's points so open that a regular 5-on-5 shift usually looks like a powerplay for the other team.

Mentality
I think it all boils down to the culture that John Stevens and the Chief are breeding in the locker room. They emphasize "defense first" so hard that the guys can't even play it. They're worried about picking up a negative so much so that they can't just play hockey. You can see it in every shift. These guys are dying to get the puck out of their own zone, and they'll do anything they think will accomplish that. I'd be interested to see where they rank in icings. But it's not just in the d zone. In the offensive zone they fall back into a 1-2-2 or even worse a 1-1-3 no matter what period it is or what situation. Someone needs to remind these guys that they're all NHL players. Their speed and creativity has gotten them this far so they should trust it.

- - - - -

Martin Biron had a 94% save percentage last night. If I would have told you before the game that he would have stopped 19 out of every 20 shots you would have been a smart person to go bet the barn on the Flyers. You'd be looking for a new barn this morning.

Fran said it yesterday, when the Flyers score 4 or more goals this month they're undefeated. You know why? Because that's the only way they've been able to win this season. This calendar year they've won 4 games when they've scored less than 4 goals. They have a lot of offensive talent, and when those guys score they're able to win because the opposition will fold. It's a long season and even if they're not willing to admit it to themselves, being down 3 goals with 10 minutes to go is not really going to happen. When those guys don't score the other team is going to keep pressing and eventually wear us and our goalies down.

Maybe the J-Bo trade would have been worthwhile, but I don't think it's personnel.

Motown Philly Back Again

"Boyz II Men, A-B-C, B-B-D". At least that's what I always sang at the end of that song....Anyways tonight Philly and Detroit again clash, but this time, instead of being infused in a soulfull track from the past, it'll be a clash on ice, with sticks and pucks and hopefully punches. The Flyers travel to "the Joe" tonight to take on the best team in the NHL over the past 10 years. They have recorded 100 points or more in nine consecutive seasons. Think about that. In a conference that is arguably more talented and evenly spread out than the East, the Red Wings have become what Joe Banner can only have a wet dream about..."The Gold Standard".

You only need to look at their roster to see why they are so decent. They have an excellent core, solid role players and amazing veterans. Their core group of studs (Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Hossa, Franzen, Holmstren) is as good as any team in the league. Seriously, watch Datsyuk with the puck tonight, it's like watching Michael McDonald sing, a true work of art. Their role players (Filppula, Hudler, Maltby, Samuelsson) do everything asked of them, and their vets (Cleary, Draper, Chelios, Lidstrom, Rafalski) have to be on steroids, because how can they be soo good and soo old at the same time. Maybe they have Jim Dowd Syndrome? One slight weakness that Detroit has is in their goaltending. For many years, (heartbreakingly true in 1997) it was great. Right now they have an older Chris Osgood and a decent backup in Ty Conklin. Both guys are solid goaltenders, but both are definitely beatable. The shots the Flyers get tonight, have to count. They have to get pucks past Osgood/Conklin tonight, for more reasons than one. Sorry if I go all BSH and start plageriz...errr, "copying and pasting" away but this stat from NHL.com had to be read:

"The Flyers have split their eight games in March, scoring four or more goals in each of the wins and one or fewer in each defeat."

So let me put ma thinking cap on and figure this one out: Hey Flyers, score some flippin' goals! (Editor's Note: Writer's "thinking cap" is just a used condom the writer thinks is "lucky") When we aren't hanging on for dear life in our own zone, we need to get quality shots on goal. Playing against the West's Central Division, we've so far lost this year 5-1, 3-0 and 4-0. Tonight, we play the best team in that division....so yeah, it might be a bumpy ride. Oh yeah, did I mention that we haven't won in Detroit in over 20 years?

So, after all this negativity, lets get a recap going....
1. best team in the league
2. best roster in the league
3. haven't won against the Central Division all year
4. haven't won in Detroit in over 20 years.
5. There is no 'ctrl' button on Claude Giroux's computer. Claude Giroux is always in control.

But doesn't it feel like the Flyers will win tonight? Maybe its the green beer talking, but with all this crap taken into account, I can see Marty Biron stand on his head and the Flyers steal a game at the Joe tonight. I can see Mike Richards show another faithful fanbase why he is the tits. I can see Danny Breeze finally notch a goal that matters this year. I can see a solid effort from every single player. And I can see the Flyers win in Detroit tonight. Maybe we'll need a buttload of four-leaf clovers to get it done, and to kidnap every leperchaun in Motown, but the Flyers have a shot to win tonight. If they play for 60 minutes, and leave everything on the ice, I'm confident that the boys can get it done.

Braydon "2x4" Coburn is in the lineup tonight, while Randy Jones is out with a pulled vagina. Hey Danny Syvret! Welcome to the show! Now go play against the best team in the West....Hope this kid doesn't go crazy after tonight. Luck of the irish is with us tonight. Let's Go Flyers.

Jim McCrossin Taking a Dump Between Periods

I wonder what's going on out there. That was a pretty shitty period. Oh my god that stinks. I don't even want to look at it. That is that last time I double my meat.

Is that yelling?

I bet it's probably at Hartsy. John's always yelling at him. He's such a scape goat, but I mean look at him, he's asking for it. Silly hair. Maybe I should grow my hair out like that? I'd need to get it permed. Do they to that to guys?

Man I love this i-phone. Shit - the Rangers are still winning. Let's see if they're winning after a round of brick breaker.

I wonder if there's a faster trainer in the league than me. When Gags snapped his twig in the first I had his stick dangling over the bench before he even knew it had happened. It was kind of like I was playing because there were only five guys with real, not broken sticks on the ice surface, and I was one of them. I wonder if Richie looked to pass to me. Nah, I saw him look up but he was probably wondering where Gags was going. But if he did pass it to me I guarantee I could've shot it five-hole from the bench. And when the ref said that's too many men on the ice Johnny would say "He wasn't on the ice!" Then they'd have to have the McCrossin rule!

That guy from Colorado is pretty quick with a stick too, though. I saw him run to the boards so fast that he flipped over them onto the ice. Idiot. I guarantee he's never taken a shit this stinky, though. I'll always have that.

A-ha! Take that bricks!

I hope someone gets high sticked this period. Right in the mouth. And then I'll stitch them up in the tunnel. I hope it's Randy Jones. I'll be on tv with my hand in Randy Jones' mouth. When I get to The Continental tonight all the chicks will be like "Yo, there's that Flyers guy - let's touch his fingers with our nipples."

I wish Marty was playing. Standing next to him on the bench is so fucking tiring. Him and his stupid French-Canadian accent never shut up. I'm like "Jesus Marty, I know you would have saved that too! You don't need to tell me after every shot!"

Am I going to be a trainer for the rest of my life? I mean, as far as trainers go I've kind of peaked I think. When Buzz Aldren got back from the moon he couldn't get out of bed for weeks. Or maybe it was Neil Armstrong. I forget. Either way, once you've been to the moon what else is there? I'm kind of at the moon of athletic trainers right now. There's no where to go but down. What the hell am I going to do with my life. Is putting ice into bags and taping things going to look good on a resume? Not in this economy it's not. I am fucked. I guess I could go work in a hospital or something? I doubt my patients there will buy me as many shots as these guys do. Maybe I could make money taking stinky shits. Like in some competition. There's no way they have those do they?

I should get out of here. They're probably wondering where I am. That little assistant trainer is probably giving them towels and screwing the screws on their helmets. That little fucker. They're probably giving him a nickname right now. Squeaky or Fishballs or something cool. Oh man. This is definitely why they came up with the phrase mudbutt. I wonder who did come up with that. Probably Martin Lawrence or someone funny like that. I can't even wipe it anymore, hope it's clean. Here I come guys. Here comes Jim to bring you some gatorade!