Obama targets AIG, Danny Briere.

Washingtion, DC - Today at the White House's underground hockey rink, President Obama spoke to media, addressing many issues plaguing the American Economy. Aside from bashing AIG and their questionable distribution of million dollar bonuses to executives, President Obama also took on Danny Briere, questioning why a guy who makes 6 million dollars a year can be playing, in the President's words, "so full of horse shit". "Look, we need to be responsible and diligent as Americans, that sneaky French Canadians aren't stealing our money. If a person is going to get 6 million US dollars from the hard working people of Philadelphia, we expect him to generate points and win the Flyers some games, not cause Flyers fans to want to tear their hair out." The outburst surprised some reporters at the Presidential Rink, named "Buchanan's Barn" after President James Buchanan's infamous wrister. The reporters were also intrigued that President Obama had replaced the Oval Office with a skate shop and hired Joss Ackland to reprise his role of Hans from 'The Mighty Ducks' to be Obama's new Secretary of Puck Bunnies.

As President Obama skated around the freshly groomed ice, he began running through plays, and showing the reporters how easy it was to score goals. "I barely make 200k and I can snipe the puck, and you look at Briere and you question his work ethic and his desire" Obama stated. "This is not what the country needs right now. To get out of this recession, everyone needs to pull their own weight, not sip Merlots and complain about playing with Riley Cote. " President Obama briefly mentioned he'd be honored "centering" Riley Cote, as he is "As American as you can get...just look at his tattoos and infinity to hard rock."

"I look for hard working American's to right the ship for these slacking Canadians, and for men like John Stevens to get Danny Briere the tools he needs to get his shit in order." Obama concluded the brief media session with a slapshot off the post, and with encouraging words to Philadelphia Flyers fans. "Fear not Philadelphia. Yes, it's true we are in a mess. A mess of extremely frustrating performances, and the unknown of whether or not your team will show up on a day to day basis, but I know that the Flyers will get through this and bring home a playoff berth." When reached for comment about why Simon Gagne can't seem to bury the puck anymore, President Obama stopped, shot the puck and then gave the reporter a Stone Cold Steve Austin Stunner before putting his cigarette out on his unconscious body.