An Open Letter to the Gentlemen of the NYSC

We are not a team. I am not Danny Briere and you are not Riley Cote. I think you're a little confused by the fact that we are in a locker room, and locker room to you means high school football, communal showers, and towel whipping people. When you are on a team, yeah, you get naked around each other and do funny things. Once again, we are not a team. Here are a few examples of things you should not be doing in a non-team locker room situation:

1. Lopping your leg up on anything while naked. The truth is that you probably shouldn't be hanging around naked at all, but that might be running before we walk as it seems to be your favorite thing. And don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a prude. Your body is a wonderland of biology and timing - shit it's a wondercountry if we're being honest. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of their body, just maybe a little more guarded about it's deepest secrets.

2. In the same vein (pardon the pun), there's no need to blow dry your hair in the middle of the room with absolutely zero clothes on. I'm not sure, as a man, why you are blow drying your hair anyway. But standing in front of the mirror with a hair dryer in one hand and a comb in the other is not your best look.

3. Huh, I guess most of these things have to do with being naked. But please don't sit bare-assed on one of the few benches in the room. I can't believe you do it for your own safety's sake - you're going to get hemroids. But there is very limited space to temporarily place an extra t-shirt or something when you're getting ready. If your ass cheese gets on my shirt I'll literally have to go home.

4. This one might be a bit strange but please buy a lock. Not being the Flyers we don't have the same locker day in and day out. When I open a locker only to find it packed with all of your stuff, and your essence wafts into my face, I gag. This is not a good way to go into a lower body work out.

5. This one is pretty similar to number two, but if you've ever been to the doctor you know that you're allowed to weigh yourself with your clothes on. If you're trying to do a comparison over a couple weeks just have clothes on the first time. Take 2 pounds off (shit, take three!) just cover up a bit, guy.

6. There's no reason not to pull your shower curtain tightly closed to both sides of the shower. It's human inclination to peek into cracks, and even though I've probably peeked into yours multiple times when you've had your leg lopped up on a counter don't be surprised if we make eye contact when your shower curtain is open.

7. This one might be the most important - there's really no need to talk loudly and joke around with your gym friends. We don't need to razz each other about having to cut the workout short because you're going to the movies with your "boo." You don't need to tell me I "really helped you on that last 1/4 mile" when I didn't even know you were on the treadmill next to me. You don't need to address the workers there like they're your best friends (even though they might be). They're there to fold towels and get me juice boxes, not talk to you about protein shakes and that girl's ass on the stair climber. He is not Jim McCrossin.

8. And my last wish would be just to give me a little time and space. If you were Marty Biron and I was Claude Giroux sure we could be in our lockers at the same time. It doesn't work like that with 10 inch wide lockers and doors that when open block their neighbors. Give me 1 minute and I'll move all my stuff. I promise.

So just to recap a bit - this is not our locker room. In reality it's a relatively public space and the only limitation is that women can't come in. So while you should remain alone in one sense you're actually around a bunch of people that surprisingly enough don't feel the need to see your balls. Well some do I'm sure, but not me. So keep your balls hidden, your mouth shut, and your eyes away from mine and we should be fine. Let's go hit those free weights boys!