Valentine's Day Special!

In the spirit of Valentine's Day I was wondering if the kiss cam will be going buckwild tonight. Which led me to thinking about the time Primeau and Recchi kissed on the bench. Which led to where everything ends with me - the Flyers getting me. So I began to wonder, if I HAD to go to hockey prison, which Flyers would I most want to be my cellmates. And also conversely, which would cause me to seal off my b-hole with duct tape and razors. So here it is, in a very particular order, from 1 to 22, the order I would choose the Flyers to be my cellmate:

1. Derian Hatcher - This might seem like a strange choice, seeing as he's so big, but I kind of look at him as a gentle giant. He would probably feel a sense of propriety towards me and keep Georges Laraque off of me in the shower. He might care about my feelings and I could definitely see him sitting next to me on movie night.

2. Jim Dowd - Do they have Viagra in prison?

3. Sami Kapanen - Having Sami around would be like having a jolly, little Scandinavian elf around the cell. He doesn't offer much in the way of protection, but would be great for when I was telling the other prison mates the story of the Lord of the Rings over milk and cookies. Sami can play hobbits, elves, dwarfs, and even gollum. He's very versatile.

4. Riley Cote - I'm once again going with the Hatcher mode of thinking. Cote might get me pretty good, but he'll definitely be the only one getting me because if anyone else even looks at me when I'm practicing my lay-ups or pec-ing it up at the outdoor gym they're going to have to dance with Riley.

5. Simon Gagne - If he gave me any trouble I would just crack him in the head and he'd be off-balance for 2 months.

6. Antero Nittymaki - Nitty is very flexible. When we're not having "us time" I could be squeezing him into the tunnel I'd be carving under my Ron Hextall poster.

7. Martin Biron - Biron only weighs about 160 lbs. I might be able to be the bear!

8. Jeff Carter - Carter seems like he's probably kind of quiet, but once we got to know eachother a bit I bet he'd open up. Those types usually turn out to be pretty funny. Plus I like his face.

9. Danny Briere - He is quite obviously the most feminine looking Flyer available. After 7 or 8 years of drinking moonshine made out of my own piss I might even think he is a woman.

10. Lasse Kukkonen - Lasse might be a very valuable resource to have. If he can take a shiv as well as he blocks shots he might save me from a lot of trouble after one of my racy comedy routines at open mike night.

11. Kimmo Timonen - Kimmo seems like an alright choice. His age is what lands him in the middle. There's "old" as in he never wants to have any fun, but there's also "old" like he knows a lot of things I might not.

12. Mike Knuble - I'm just "not that into him."

13. Braydon Coburn - I'm afraid that both of our hawkish looks combined might result in some people calling our cell the "Birdcage" or "The Nest" or something like that. That wouldn't be good for either of our sel-esteems.

14. Joffery Lupul - doesn't strike me as a giver.

15. RJ Umberger - RJ strikes me as the kind of roommate who kisses you while you're asleep and you never know it.
16. Scottie Upshall - Upshall is too much of a pretty boy. There is no way he'd stay faithful. His ass would be all over that prison.

17. Steve Downie - he's so young I'd be afraid he'd want to go all night. I don't get the impression he'd care very much about what I wanted to do. Say for instance I wanted to go out and watch tv I could totally see him just staying in the cell.

18. Jim Vandermeer - Communication is key in any relationship. I'm just not sure what myself and JV would have to talk about, except how much he sucks(oh no he didn't!).

19. Mike Richards - I get the impression that when Richie was hanging out with the other guys he would make fun of me. Me who's stuck at home cleaning the cell because we're scaring some kids straight that day.

20. Randy Jones - I've already seen him hit another guy from behind this season and that dude still hasn't recovered.

21. Scott Hartnell - I like BirdDogg, but the thought of him getting me might just make some people I know a little too happy.

22. Jason Smith - I feel like he's about to get me when I'm just watching him on tv. I could never sleep bearing a fear like that.