New Thanksgiving, New Race

It's a slow week for the Flyers which is working out perfectly, because it's a fast one for me - which is the status quo when you live in the fast lane, or even periodically change lanes into the fast lane while spending most of your time in the middle lane to pass those people who just won't push it to 66. The losers.

It's a busy week because it's Thanksgiving week. And Thanksgiving is the only holiday, besides Steve Winwood's birthday (May 12th), that everyone in my family celebrates. We do the same things most families do - watch the parades (Philly and NYC), give eachother backrubs while drinking hot chocolate, have dinner - standard stuff...except for:

The Annual Lochhead Family Thanksgiving Race!

The only reason I bring it up is that I've recently become enlightened, and now realize how racist this event is. And that's why I'm dressing as Simon Gagne this year and not corn-on-the-cob, as usual - well the racism thing, and the fact that the corn outfit squeezes my ankles so tightly that I can't ever win. Maybe I need to give you a little more background.

Every year right after Santa climbs the Art Museum steps (which scares me to death by the way - the last thing 800,000 kids need to see is Santa collapse on the Art Museum steps and die) my family heads out onto 35th street in Ocean City for our traditional race. This race is neither long nor tiring, but still difficult to win. In recent years it's become less fun as a result of growing intra-family rivalries. And only this year have I realized how it propagates stereotypes that must be eliminated from our society.

I wholeheartedly - I cannot stress this enough- disagree with the naming of sports teams after ethnic groups, and have even thought about joining a protest - even though I secretly am always afraid that a protest group wouldn't have me...but I digress. The only group that I'm aware of being a victim of this type of discrimination is Native Americans. The Blackhawks, Redskins, Seminoles....all gotta go.

Anyway - for this race everyone in my family dresses up in a Thanksgiving costume - as was decided by my mom when we were very little. My dad is a Native American, my mom is a Pilgrim, I was a piece of corn, my sister is a cornucopia (on wheels), and Jeannie is pumpkin. Notice that the "childrens'" costumes are much more restrictive than the adults. Well the whistle blows, people start cheering, and everyone takes off. Well except for my sister, who's supposed to be pushed by me, but I've never done it - so she spends the whole race on the starting line every year. Obviously Jeannie and I are in no state to win a race, being as restricted as we are, so it comes down to my mom and my dad every year.

And this is where the racism comes in.

You see, my mom is VERY competitive. And that's why she arms herself with a paintball musket. As soon as that whistle sounds my dad, tomahawk in hand (his name is Tom), takes off in the exact opposite direction of my mom - regardless if this is towards the finish line (1 block away) or not. No matter what direction he runs my mom chases him, firing away on her automatic musket, and he gets riddled with very festive colored paint pellets - this usually leaves him incapacitated. By the time this is done I'm usually in the lead, but still only about 8 feet from the starting line. I spend most of my time taking two quick steps, falling, and then trying to get back up. So my mom wins every year.

Until this year.

This year I am dressing as Simon Gagne, and with the help of some anonymous donors I have the entire outfit ready - good looks and all. This outfit maintains the anti-racist beliefs I wish to convey, and is also practical as I'll be protected from Scarface the Pilgrim.

I have one question though - is it cheating if I don't wear skates? You can't answer this if you haven't heard the sound of skate blades on concrete - "fork on a plate" and "nails on a chalk boards" eviler, older brother.

Listened to: Here - HelloGoobye