Sexism and Looks-ism, All of You

This is by no means an act of unfairness that is specific to the Flyers as it’s the same in every NHL city, but I am an accredited (read not) Flyers blogger, not an every NHL city blogger, so it is the Flyers who will feel my wrath. And I’m having wrath with the Delta Dental Ice Team. From the Flyers 2009 Training Camp Center (which I must say is pretty cool compared to the nothing you usually get every year):

Saturday, September 12 at 1:00 p.m. the Flyers will hold auditions for the Ice Team. Auditions are open to the public

Oh yeah, they’re open to the public, the portion of the public that’s not walking around with a penis and/or testicles between their legs. Specifically “energetic, outgoing girls who can skate and love the game of hockey!” More information on the “auditions”:

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR TO THE AUDITIONS?
Please come dressed to impress in proper athletic attire for the audition process. All applicants must come prepared with their own skates.

HOW SHOULD I WEAR MY HAIR & MAKE-UP?
Optional. However, please make sure that your hair doesn't hide your face, as one of the things the judges will be scoring you on is how well you demonstrate spirit, energy and enthusiasm.

WHAT IS THE AUDITION PROCESS?
Skating Roles:
Forward Skating
Backward Skating
Forward Cross-Overs in a circle
Backward Cross-Overs in a circle
Stopping
Turning from Forward to Backward
Turning from Backward to Forward
Snow removal
The ability to push a wheel barrel on/off the ice surface

Ok, let me step away from my accusations of sexism for a moment to address maybe the more embarrassing issue: is this a fucking beauty contest? Please come “dressed to impress?” They want you to “make sure that your hair doesn’t hide your face?” I’ve seen these ice teams all over the league and it’s obvious that these are, in fact, beauty contests. If you try to hide that ugly face under some hair do we’re going to catch you, you little converse wearing, guitar playing bitch.

So let me ask the elephant in the room this question – hey elephant, why are there a bunch of almost prom queens skating around in tight clothes during commercial breaks except to give 40 year old men masturbatory fantasies for the next morning’s shower? Is there a point? No…there isn’t? Ok. I’d pay a million Monopoly dollars to see what they (whoever “they” are) are scoring these girls on. I want to see how they word it when they pick the best looking girls there with the biggest boobs over a really big Flyers fan that is a good skater but just doesn’t fit in with the “look” of the team. I hope it comes entirely down to “The ability to push a wheel barrel on/off the ice surface.” And I hope there are time trials because I want to see that.

And regarding the whole sexism thing, some of those requirements in the audition process could surely be energetically completed by guys. Give the moms in the crowd some young Puerto Rican pool boys in cut-offs and everything scraping that ice. Oh, you think I’m gay? Maybe I am. Maybe you are. Maybe we should meet at McDonalds and fill our cokes with some rum and go see if we can catch frogs in the stream behind the dumpster.

My point is…I understand why there are cheerleaders in football and I get that they’re usually the hot chicks, which I think is just ridiculous, but this is a country where we have beauty pageants for 3 year olds. But even those cheerleading squads, at least in college, have guys in them and do some cool jumps and shit (I’m also not sure pro football cheerleaders add anything to football watching experience except me being worried they’re going to get plowed from behind by some big running back (double entendre!)). These ice girls don’t even cheer or anything. They literally do a job that 3 facilities guys used to do. And frankly the whole thing is just pathetic.

What about having your 12 year old ogling some young, died blonde’s tits makes you want to go to a game more? What about having the girl you’re on a second date with seeing you watching a bunch of community college puck slut hopefuls makes you want to take her back there for a fifth date? What about the entire thing makes sense? Why not require the ushers to audition and show their spirit, energy and enthusiasm? Why not put a fucking stripper pole on the zamboni? If you guys want to do this thing let’s do it!

Just another example of a stupid idea that “just happens.” “Well the Islanders have young babes skating around cleaning the ice”…..Flyers, suck it. If the Islanders jumped off a bridge would you?

You good looking people are always getting the edge and I’m sick of it. See, you’re doing it right now! And you’ll never understand it either, because you just don’t care too. See you ladies on the 12th. And don’t worry, I’m shaving my head so there’s not a chance of anyone missing out on any piece of my face that might be showing even a hint of spirit, energy and enthusiasm.