When Scottie Upshall got traded to the Coyotes this past Spring everyone got a little emotional. Most of all Scottie. When he choked up during that interview I almost felt human for a second. The whole thing was so cute. In the end Scottie was in Philly for almost exactly two full years. The sad thing is that all I really remember him doing is hooking some dude on Toronto during a 4 goal comeback by the Leafs and losing a fight to Tyler Kennedy in the 2008 playoffs. Maybe that is more a reflection of me than him.
Anyway, when Scottie left Philly he had trouble bottling up his feelings in front of the camera, so I can’t even imagine what he was like with no bright lights around. In the dream world I live in he didn’t get to say goodbye to Joffrey Lupul. He wanted to, but he had to head up to Boston to go play the Bruins again and just didn’t manage to bump into him. So he probably texted him I’m thinking. Something a little to long at that. And this is what I’m thinking it looked look, or would’ve, had it been written in the Spring of 1861.
(feel free to burn the bottom edge of your computer screen to make this look like an old letter)
Dearest Joffrey,
Mother assured me that she would pass my wishes of good will and regret unto you whence you returned from the woods, but I would like to express myself on this parchment. Have you seen these new musket pens? They’re rather impractical to write with but quite fashionable down here in the South. Anyway, leaving you has brought me a great deal of sadness, my brother. But I must go fight for the opposition because Paul Holmgren has traded me. And although our teams compete for the same goal, a goal which only one of us can achieve, I want you to know that I am right there with you in spirit. For my true allegiance lies in the North, and even more truthfully, with you. I hope that one day we can sit side by side and recount the days of yore over iced cubed lemonades. I think of you day and night. And I pray for your ability to score 25 goals without even trying.
Yours in the warmest,
Scottie Upshall
ps – also, here is a tip – do not march straight at the bullets. That is just a ridiculous way to battle. If they make you get in the front of that line and start marching at a bunch of guys with guns pointed at you just say “oops! I have to tie my shoe!” when they’re about to shoot because they’ll shoot you right in the neck if they get the chance. And you’ll know when they’re going to shoot because they make this whole big production out of it. Anyone who calls you a pussy better do it quick because they’ll be dead in like ten seconds, so you don’t have to worry about that.
Anyway, when Scottie left Philly he had trouble bottling up his feelings in front of the camera, so I can’t even imagine what he was like with no bright lights around. In the dream world I live in he didn’t get to say goodbye to Joffrey Lupul. He wanted to, but he had to head up to Boston to go play the Bruins again and just didn’t manage to bump into him. So he probably texted him I’m thinking. Something a little to long at that. And this is what I’m thinking it looked look, or would’ve, had it been written in the Spring of 1861.
(feel free to burn the bottom edge of your computer screen to make this look like an old letter)
Dearest Joffrey,
Mother assured me that she would pass my wishes of good will and regret unto you whence you returned from the woods, but I would like to express myself on this parchment. Have you seen these new musket pens? They’re rather impractical to write with but quite fashionable down here in the South. Anyway, leaving you has brought me a great deal of sadness, my brother. But I must go fight for the opposition because Paul Holmgren has traded me. And although our teams compete for the same goal, a goal which only one of us can achieve, I want you to know that I am right there with you in spirit. For my true allegiance lies in the North, and even more truthfully, with you. I hope that one day we can sit side by side and recount the days of yore over iced cubed lemonades. I think of you day and night. And I pray for your ability to score 25 goals without even trying.
Yours in the warmest,
Scottie Upshall
ps – also, here is a tip – do not march straight at the bullets. That is just a ridiculous way to battle. If they make you get in the front of that line and start marching at a bunch of guys with guns pointed at you just say “oops! I have to tie my shoe!” when they’re about to shoot because they’ll shoot you right in the neck if they get the chance. And you’ll know when they’re going to shoot because they make this whole big production out of it. Anyone who calls you a pussy better do it quick because they’ll be dead in like ten seconds, so you don’t have to worry about that.
posted by Ryan at
9:48 AM
7 Comments:
I will never understand the outpouring of love from the fans for this guy. His stats don't lie. Drafted at #6 overall, he's absolutely an NHL bust.
The only thing world class about Upshall is the balls on that dude, asking for 30-goal scorer money in Phoenix. The Flyers were wise to move him, knowing that was coming up. Last thing you want is Upshall carping to all of his buddies over drinks after the games ("Hey, I'd pick up the tab Cartsy, but old man Holmer won't pay be more than $1.5 million, fucker).
Good riddance to bad (but oh so dreamy and cute, *sigh*) RUBBISH.
Hilarious post...AGAIN!
Okay, has anyone taken a look at the stuff on the counter in the background? Scattered amongst the laptop, pizza boxes, and Dunkin Donuts bag, what is that a big flesh-colored falic looking thing...?
There is a stripper in the picture, right?
Gotta admit, I was just looking to see if there was a bong anywhere in there...
That's no stripper, that's infamous porn star Gina Lynn. These are from a while ago, as Ben Eager is in some of the pics.
On one hand, I feel bad for these guys, as their personal lives are out there in full-frontal fashion.
On the other hand, they make it so fracking EASY.
On one hand, I feel bad for these guys, as their personal lives are out there in full-frontal fashion.
On the other hand, they make it so fracking EASY.
Good god, don't reopen the Upshall wounds. Or give me flashbacks to my days fighting the redcoats, for that matter.
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