Dear Philadelphia Flyers

Dear Philadelphia Flyers,

I would like to drive one of the Zamboni's at a home game. And no, I don't mean ride on it waving at random people for a very long, silent time while people with potato guns blast t-shirts by my ear. I want to drive it. Not just for one period either. I want to do all the zamboning that will be required for the whole night. Meaning before the warmups, before the game, and then between the 1st and 2nd and then 2nd and 3rd periods. If there is zamboning that must be done after the game I would rather not do that. I would rather be at a bar, or on my way home.

I first thought that maybe I would be a good Zamboni driver when I was vacuuming my living room yesterday. My efficiency was incredible. When I stood up on my couch for an aerial view I could see that not a single spot of rug had been missed, or more importantly, covered twice - that would be inefficient and a waste of water. As a matter of fact, when I climbed up even higher to the top of our book case it looked as if a professional lawn mower from one of those ball parks where they put cool designs in the outfield had come over and mown my carpet. I almost shed a tear, except I had watched Nights in Rodanthe earlier in the day and was therefore tearless.

If there's some sort of try out or contest or something I don't think that will be a problem. I can send you a picture of the carpet, or better yet I can mess the carpet up by rolling around on it and then send you a video of me vacuuming. And check this out - you might not even have to move the nets. In an economy where everyone's cutting back those two guys that push the nets around during the zamboning are an unnecessary cost when you have a driver like me. Tell them to take the night off and sink that $40 right to the bottom line. And come to think of it, I'd only want to be paid in beer so you'd also be saving money on the normal Zamboni guy.

I did recently read that the inventor of the Zamboni died. And it has saddened me. It's gotten me thinking a lot about zamboning lately and what that car on the ice actually means. Mr. Zamboni didn't want his invention to be something only a few elite professionals were allowed to use, he wanted to bring joy to the masses - and smooth ice to the players. He would love this idea. Not only because I would use the machine in the way that he imagined it could be used, but because I when I lifted the brushes right before I drove off the ice all the accumulated snow would have formed into an ice sculpture of the Flyers logo. And then there would indeed be tears in heaven. He'd be as proud as a father the first time he finds condoms in his son's room.

Please respond quickly so we can work around my extremely busy and exciting schedule.
Ryan