Do You Think We Could Be Friends?

Derian Hatcher, who I suppose will continue to be referred to as a Flyers defenseman for 6 more weeks, made an appearance at Barnum and Bailey's Circus last week and apparently participated in some on-stage buffoonery with the third guy from Will & Grace. Not only did he appear under the big top, but Hatcher also dined with circus performers(i) and fans before the performance. Usually I'd take a couple sentences to imagine what Derian Hatcher looked like eating a Pizza Hut Pasta Bowl between the bearded lady and a big, bald, mustachioed man with tattoos of ships on his hairy biceps, but today I'm not as concerned with those freaks as I am with the other ones that were on hand.

Do you, as a Flyers fan, really want to spend time with them as individuals? I could see going to the Flyers Carnival and staring at the players from a couple feet away because there is no promise of one-on-one contact, and probably great deals on crab fries. But do you really want to go to an event that is mandatory for these guys and then make them talk to you? I'm sure you've been trapped in elevators or stuck in Wawa with people you should(i) be talking to enough times to know that it's no fun to create a conversation where one actually should not exist. And these guys aren't Tony from accounting or your neighbor Rocko. These guys are multimillionaire studs who you cheer for. You actually applaud them and yell for them and follow them in the news. If I had cornered one of these guys into asking me where I work the humiliation I'd feel on account of putting them in that position would smother me. You think Joffery Lupul gives a shit that you work in marketing for some tile company?

Which brings me to this guy. Fred LaCava...what are you thinking? On some base level you're probably thinking that you like golf and you like Braydon Coburn, but I cannot even attempt to take a guess at why you think mixing the two things would be a good idea. I like puppies and I like sex, but I don't have any plans on mixing the two in the near future. As opposed to the Flyers fan that gives a player a fighting chance to keep the conversation flowing at a crowded table with a large audience for jokes and transition comments, you wanted to hang out with Braydon Coburn the entire day....alone. You won an auction that might as well have been for a grand prize of entering a 5 hour staring contest with Danny Briere. Did you tell him about your job at Softmart, Inc., Downingtown's leading wholesaler of computers/peripherals? Was he pumped? Did he say "nice swing, LaCavla. I think I might get a LaCavla golf jersey!" Did he ask for your cell number as he polished off a bag of tiny bag of chips at the club house? And what did you pay? I mean, I know the computers/peripherals industry is booming, but apparently there's some sort of recession going on, in case you haven't heard.

I might have to chalk this type of behavior up to "things I'll never understand." Because to me, a beautiful day on the links with my friends or family would be infinitely more valuable than the memories I'd carry to the grave of the day I paid a professional athlete to hang out with me.