WTFU: Pittsburgh Penguins

This is a new column here on FGSB. We're going to go around the league once in awhile and ask a very important and serious question: "What the fux's up?" In the NHL, shit can hit the fan rather quickly. Coaches can get fired after the first week of the season(Chicago), or a suprise team can be steamrolling the rest of a conference (Boston). Here in our tiny winnebago, we will attempt to decipher WTFU with the rest of the league. First up, those enigmas wrapped inside of a puzzle, wrapped inside of a Primanti Bros. sandwich: Your 2008 Pittsburgh Penguins!

Seriously, WTFU Pittsburgh? You have two of the studliest players on earth on your roster, and #1 pick in a goalie and a devoted fan base to give you a decent homebarn advantage. Your powerplay has so many names on it, it feels like I'm watching an All-Star game. Your schedule isn't that challenging, yet you can't seem to win a game even when you try. Reports are surfacing that coach Michael Therrian has "lost the room" and your captain was seen with his head hung low during intermisison of the Avs game, when they scored 3 goals against you in the 2nd. So....I dare ask...WTFU?

I'll tell you what the fux's up. Injuries took a toll on your blue line. You replaced gritty talent from last year with flaky has-beens like Satan, Golologlogowski and Ruslan "Rosey Cheeks" Fedotenko. You call up no-names from Wilkes Barre and they don't produce at all. Your tough guy isn't so tough. Your backup goalie is on Detroit...as is your stud winger. And you can't score goals without Sid or Geno contributing. You've thrown so much money at 4 guys, that there isn't enough to put together a solid contributing cast. This year, you can tell...it's not the same. Everyone knows how to shut down Crosby(call him a cotten-headed-nittymuggins) an Geno can't decide when to cherrypick, sell "Geno-Vodka" on local access TV, or try to play his fake-ass-defense. But don't worry Pittsburgh, it's only early January. When you sneak into the playoffs this year, you can use this streak of really crappy play as a rallying cry. I can't wait to hear things like "You know that rough patch, where we had to let Coach go and Sid couldn't stop crying, it brought us together as a team, and blah blah blah...."

So don't worry too much yet Pittsburgh, you'll probably bounce back and finish the season strong. I wouldn't keep this shit-streak up for too long. The Orange and Black are straight-crushin' it right now....and we'll see you on Tuesday.

So in conclusion Pittsburgh, you are a good group of players...you just aren't a good team. And that's what the fux's up.